A Shithead’s Analysis of the Ten Commandments

    November 18, 2013 at 2:25 am

    I’m a blasphemous non-religious high functioning drug addict with a side of alcoholism and a whole lot of self-destructive behavior for dessert. What can I possibly tell you about the ten commandments? That you should follow them, probably. Here’s why.


    You’re not going anywhere if you don’t. And by anywhere, I mean Hell. Whatever that is. Unless you’ve created that here on earth, right inside your shitty little life. Don’t follow the ten commandments in fear of repercussions from God; follow them in fear of repercussions from your own miserable self. If you don’t agree with me, you can suck my decalogue.

    1 – I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.
    It’s open to interpretation. As long as you understand that we as human beings have an extremely limited knowledge of the energy that exists on this earth and in space around us, within and without us. Have a little respect for all the stuff you don’t know; there are ways of utilizing energy we have no idea about. I can’t tell you what those ways are because, like I just said, you dingus, we don’t know about them. But they exist. We understand so little about how the brain works, how energy works and interacts with other energy, and what happens to/where goes the energy within us when we die that it is truly amazing anyone would claim to know exactly what happens after we die. So while you don’t need to subscribe to the idea that some old white dude with a beard is watching you jerk it to gay porn in your grandmother’s basement, you should be aware that there is probably a higher plane of consciousness that will absorb your dumb ass after you bite the dust. Respect the world you live in, including animals which know things that you don’t (you might know how to do math, but I doubt you can detect a storm a few days before it happens using nothing more than your spidey senses).

    2 – You shall have no other gods before me.
    If you want to get wrapped up in Catholicism or the belief that goddamn Xenu is watching over you and your billions of former lives that are crammed into your misshapen skull, go right ahead. You’re only depriving yourself of a higher knowledge that can only be reached through openness and receptivity to new ideas. Just remember that by rabidly fixating on one idea, you shut out the possibility of learning something useful.

    3 – You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
    Just use this to remind anyone who uses their Christian religion to tell you what’s right and wrong that they’re full of shit.

    4 – Don’t take the name of the Lord in vain.
    The universe provides; put out positive energy and you will get that back in return. Walk around acting like a self righteous negative nelly all the time and you will probably turn out to be a miserable person. And curse all you want. Vanity is all contained in the intentions of the user.

    5 – Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORDblessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.
    Life isn’t all about working constantly. It’s not about being a lazy piece of shit, either. You’ve got to have balance to maintain your happiness. Do stuff that makes you feel accomplished; earn your leisurely days fucking off by the side of the pool drinking virgin pina coladas and Snapchatting pictures of your dick to everyone on your friend’s list. You’ll feel better about it. A life full of strictly work or strictly play is sort of depressing either way.

    6 – Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
    Try to do the right thing when it comes to your parents. Even if they’re total dicks, do what you can to make sure that you come out of it both alive and feeling satisfied with yourself for handling it well. All we can control is all we can control, and that often isn’t very much. However, what we do with that small piece of figurative land will effect our lives majorly in the long run. One of the only things that can at least remotely alleviate the pain you’ll feel at the mercy of someone else’s selfish, shitty actions is the knowledge that you handled things the best way you possibly could for yourself. There’s nothing worse than looking back on a shitty situation and feeling even shittier about it because you totally freaked out and made things worse by acting like a dick in a room full of dicks.

    Don’t feel obligated to love your parents. They’re just people, flawed and lost like the rest of us. Just try to handle anything they throw at you with grace and poise and maybe some love. Anger and hate will eat away at you in the end, not them.

    7 – You shall not murder.
    This one pretty much speaks for itself. Try not to take anyone’s life. At least try.

    8 – You shall not commit adultery.
    If you’re in a committed relationship with another person to whom you’ve promised not to stray from, try not to rub your genitals on a third party’s genitals. It isn’t very fair to the first person; after all, you chose to make that promise to them in the first place. And if you’re in a polyamorous relationship, you’re going to hell. Just kidding; enjoy yourself, be happy and healthy. Just try not to make any promises — in any type of relationship — that you don’t intend to keep. It’s not very nice.

    9 – You shall not steal.
    Except from Walmart, Home Depot, Forever 21, H&M, and other chain stores who will not miss twelve dollars worth of screws or a few pairs of underwear. Don’t steal from small businesses and mom and pop shops; that’s pretty unkind.

    10 – You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
    Bad karma! If you believe in that sort of thing, which is just another way of saying that putting negative energy into the world begets more negative energy in the world.

    And then there’s a bunch of stuff about not coveting your neighbor’s wife, which you totally can if you want. Just don’t be a scumbag about it. It’s normal to be jealous and envious of other people — the important thing is how you handle those feelings. Use your jealousy to motivate you to get better stuff for yourself instead of murdering your neighbor, raping his wife and stealing his donkey.

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