How to Make Your Miserable Holidays Less Miserable

    October 16, 2013 at 9:47 am

    For those of us with dead and/or dysfunctional families full of alcoholics and petty criminals who love to show up at every event just to get wasted, break the urn containing grandma’s ashes and then try to snort them out of the carpet, here are a few tips and tricks you can use to make your holiday experience a little less isolated and miserable.

    Drugs and Alcohol
    These are essential to holiday cheer. These two items are basically holiday cheer manifested. Be careful how you use them, though, because you can easily cross the line from cheery drunken Santa Claus to belligerent bath salt elf. Don’t overdo it, but getting a little bit of a buzz on may help you ignore your family fistfights or feel totally complacent sitting in a dark room with a four course Thanksgiving dinner you have just cooked for yourself and your cat.

    Help others who are in even shittier situations than yourself. You don’t have to volunteer at a soup kitchen if that requires too much socialization for your taste; head into your nearest city and buy some lunches for a few people who look like they’re in need (you should probably ask them what they want first), and then sit around talking to them for a few minutes. Listening to other people complain will both make you forget about your own problems and not feel so bad about them. Besides, everyone needs a helping hand every once in a while.

    Find Others Like Yourself
    Find out which of your friends also hate the holidays because it is a lonely and cold stretch of self-loathing time that you squirm through every year. Gather with these people to do whatever it is you like to do; whether you’re making a Fakesgiving dinner for yourself and your fellow orphaned friends or just going to the bar and playing cards, misery really does love company.

    It’s okay to wallow a little bit. You can’t ignore your misery; it doesn’t like that. You have to let it pass through you. Set aside a few hours for yourself to just stare at your ceiling and cry while clutching a stuffed animal that represents your broken childhood.

    No Wallowing
    But don’t wallow too much. Don’t let it take over your entire life for that period of time. You have to force yourself to get up and do something, whether it’s drinking until you black out and piss yourself or making yourself useful by volunteering.

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