How To Lie On Your Résumé

    October 7, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Everyone knows that crime actually does pay, and it does so better than most legitimate jobs, which is why all the fat rich guys doling out said jobs are trying to convince all of us peons that crime does not, in fact, pay. But since most of us are too scared, too timid to embark upon a life of crime, to become a hardened career criminal… Here are some ways you can properly and illegally lie your way into jobs that you don’t really deserve.

    Using these methods I have worked in retail management, PR, television, high end designer furniture stores, and a colorful variety of fields that I really have no business entering into as anything other than an intern.

    The trick is not lying on your résumé, but earning your position once you’re hired. You can’t just make something up about and then go on to embarrass yourself by not following through on what you claimed to have done or known. Maintenance is a big part of lying; play the part properly, and no one will ever know the difference. You will probably even get a raise.

    Your references are the easiest start point. Use your friends or mentors whom you can trust and rely upon. Don’t provide the number of your unemployed meth addicted roommate as your former manager; choose people who are good liars, just like you, so they can talk you up regarding a job they had nothing to do with or that possibly didn’t even exist in the first place.

    Choose your lies carefully. No ex-NASA employee, professional underwater wildlife photographer, retired brain surgeon extravagance. If you want to lie about relevant experience, be subtle about it– don’t make up fake jobs at large and well known companies that can easily be checked upon. Choose a small business that either doesn’t exist or is owned by a friend of yours willing to assist you in your shady quest to undeserved employment.

    Do your research. If you get an interview at your company of choice, make sure you know your shit before going in. It is here that your advantage becomes your personality, motivated attitude and impressive spanse of knowledge. Interviewing at a designer furniture store? You better spend a good four or five hours studying all their designers and the history of the store itself on the night before your interview. And you should probably brush up on antique furniture in general, just so they feel like you have a genuine interest in the subject.

    Don’t turn your cover letter into the most boring novella on the face of the planet. No hiring manager who has to wade through two hundred resumes cares about your two page diatribe on why you, like, really totally deserve this super awesome job. Keep it short and concise; drawn out cover letters make you look like a convoluted mess of desperate thoughts.

    Stretch your responsibilities when you can. Don’t turn “retail employee” into “hiring manager” — you have to be realistic. However, you might want to list a few extra duties to make yourself look more responsible and busy (aka a better roboslave) in cases where you know they will not check.

    Good luck and if you get caught, disappear into the dark and endless abyss that is the Internet. Change your name if you have to. You’ll find something else.

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