Online Dating: How to Tell if a Person is Insane BEFORE Meeting Them

    October 1, 2013 at 1:23 am

    The world wide world of online dating is a totally crazy, facetious, weird, scary, funny shitshow. Anyone can make up any type of personality, attach a ten-year-old photo of themselves to their bullshit profile, and trick you into meeting them for a date during which you instantly feel trapped and uncomfortable. So how can you tell who is relatively ‘normal’ and who is completely fucking insane? Not only am I a total smartass who likes to think she knows a lot about people in general, but I have been on a lot of (mostly totally shitty) online dates (which, since they were so bad, maybe you shouldn’t be taking my advice at all). Here are some tips.

    Super Long Profiles
    Beware the novel or novella. Any person who is not only willing but eager to reveal a ton of information (whether it’s menial bullshit or deeply personal stuff) about themselves has a screw loose. That screw is either the one that makes you moderate how important you think you are, the one that puts a filter on your stupid brain’s urge to just give up every detail of your personal life from the get, or the one that controls how anally retentive you are.

    Either way, you don’t really need to go out with any of those types. Self-important arrogant dicks, socially inept creeps who are way too eager to reveal all their red flags from before date number one even commences, or uppity high-maintenance assholes who require all of your attention all the time. No thanks. “Normal” people understand that a dating site profile is just a tiny little bait piece to get the other person interested. And by ‘dating site profile’ I mean ‘a person’s pictures’ because it’s more likely than not that unless you’re in a cult/a religious extremist, a racist or obsessed with Waifus, the other person is only really concerned with your pictures. They’re not fucking your profile, after all.

    Lots of Dislikes
    I don’t want someone who is going to play games or cheat on me or who likes pizza because I hate pizza and even the thought of someone else eating pizza makes me sick ugh just don’t!!!

    Woah. Check your shitty, dramatic baggage at the door. You do not need to get involved with someone who is obviously bitter about something that had nothing to do with you yet will undoubtedly rope you into its shitty drama filled insides all the same. Everyone has some sort of baggage, but overt advertisers of those problems are only going to make you suffer along with them.

    I’m talking about people who use Mystery’s ‘dating game’ tactic of negging. God, don’t be so racist. If anyone tries to neg you into a first date, fuck them. But only figuratively. Do not literally fuck them. Those people are dicks. Normal, nice people do not need to try and compensate for their own insecurity by insulting you and hoping you feel small enough to want to date them. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

    Too Many Standards
    On the same note as too many dislikes, don’t bother with someone who has too many standards. It’s a dating site profile, not a sheet you fill out before a wife is delivered in a nice little package to your door. Those are called Real Dolls, and the odds are that a person with too many annoying standards is either too broke or too stupid to get one. You should not be trying to live up to someone else’s expectations ever, and especially not on the first date. People who have long lists of what they want from another person are setting themselves up for failure; no one is perfect, and the other person is bound to fall short in one way or another. What then?

    Lots of Slutty Pictures
    There’s nothing wrong with having slutty pictures of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with posting them in a number of places. But when you are marketing yourself as a piece of meat on what is basically the equivalent of an online meat market to start with, there is a small issue here. And that small issue is rampant insecurity and very little self respect.

    Actors and Actresses
    They’re all insane to begin with. All of them.

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