How to Cheer the Fuck Up

    September 30, 2013 at 2:52 am

    Dawww, life is really sad, ain’t it? Life is really hard, right? Even when things are going your way and good things are happening and the sun is shining and you’re in the middle of a joyous moment, along comes a split second of silence that gives you just a little peek into the soul-crushing abyss of depression that is your empty fucking soul. So how can we alleviate this pesky, distracting clawing at the back of your throat just a little teensy bit?

    Stuff and Things
    Stuff and things. You need to do more of both. Don’t give in to that overwhelming urge to put all your Xanax in a Pez dispenser and stare at your ceiling until, before you know it, it’s next week and you have no idea why you’re in the park an hour away from your house wearing a suit, much less how you got there. Instead, try to throw yourself into so-called ‘productive’ activities. Make something, even if you’re shitty at making things. Even if you are the worst artist in the world, it might help to sit around drawing bullshit doodles for a few hours of your free time. Who cares? Everything is pointless anyway, right?

    But we’re trying to stay away from thoughts like that. Use your hobby as a distraction. If you don’t have a hobby, get one. If you don’t even know what you like, just try a little bit of everything until you do like something. Come on; I can’t hold your hand through this entirely. Force yourself out of the house and into the world. Do something nice for a stranger. Life might still be pointless, but you’ll at least feel a little less like a useless piece of shit.

    Doing things will not only distract you but will give you some small reward, which you can later shame yourself for feeling when you are reeling in the depths of your own nihilism.

    It’s also important to do nothing. The staring-at-the-ceiling thing is actually imperative to your well being, albeit without the prescription drug abuse. That’s right and sorry: drugs are not included in ‘doing nothing.’ Drugs would be included with ‘doing drugs,’ even if you’re doing nothing while you’re on said drugs.

    It is scientifically proven that doing nothing helps to clear your mind of all the unruly thoughts that plague it and to alleviate at least some of the stress and lamentation you feel at knowing that nothing will ever be okay until you die, alone. So make sure you have some time — whether it’s one hour or one day — a week to just sit somewhere by yourself, not talking to anyone, not looking at your phone, and just do absolutely nothing.

    Whoever said ‘alcohol doesn’t fix anything’ either never had a drink or was a very serious alcoholic who couldn’t go near the stuff without going on a lifelong binge. Every time I’m stressed out and crave a drink, I try to tell myself that alcohol doesn’t fix anything. Then I have a drink or two and realize that, fuck off, entire world, alcohol actually does help a great deal. If you can handle drugs in moderation, moderately use drugs from time to time. Why not? Because someone else told you not to? Pshhh. I’m 18 now; you can’t tell me what to do anymore, mom!!!

    Embrace Your Own Shittiness
    Although you should be pushing yourself to go out, to do more, to create more, and to whatever more in general, you cannot neglect your feelings of sadness and hopelessness until they give up on you and go away. Sadness and hopelessness will never give up on you; it’s like a best friend you never, ever wanted. It’s not going anywhere. It’ll follow you around forever.

    Embrace it, and it won’t be as bad. Having an especially terrible want-to-drive-your-car-into-a-wall day? That’s okay; just sigh a shitty sigh and let that feeling spread throughout you like some sort of boring demonic possession. Just let yourself feel the way you are going to feel. Don’t fight your own emotions. There’s a difference between trying to alleviate (working with yourself) and trying to beat to death (working against yourself) your feelings. Take some time during that shitty day to be alone and to writhe in pain beneath the weight of your first world problems. Let it pass through you, and you’ll be left feeling better than if you try to drink or party or work to death your problems into oblivion.

    If it’s really that bad — and even if it isn’t — therapy is something you might want to consider. Everyone should be in therapy with a therapist that he or she likes. You will learn more about yourself. What’s the worst that could happen? For some, learning about oneself sounds pretty goddamn awful. But if you are brave enough to face your innermost feelings, to confront all the dumb insecure mushy shit that’s thrashing around inside you, you will come out better for it. It’s hard, but it’s not impossible. You will cry. That’s okay. Don’t be a pussy.

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