Practical Ways to Earn 5,000 Dollars by Next Week

    September 25, 2013 at 4:41 pm

    Here are some “practical” ways you can earn 5,000 dollars by next week.  This is not some sensationalist article with a catchy headline with keywords and other filler simply to trick you into clicking links and generating web traffic. You can find those sites elsewhere.  Life happens, and sometimes we have large men coming to our doors in the middle of the night with construction equipment that demand 5,000 dollars by the end of next week.

    It is arguable that the underground tunnels in “The Dark Knight Rises” are an allegory to the “dark web” that exists in the shadows of the internet. This is a place that should not be ventured into lightly, if at all.  Since the dark web is almost entirely anonymous, there are numerous nasty and illegal things that will make you want to adopt bunnies and chase rainbows to heal your soul.

    man hugs puppy

    Man hugs puppy after returning from "dark net"

    Items and services on the dark web are consummated with the elusive and increasingly popular bitcoin.  Since the perceived value of the bitcoin has risen exponentially over the last year, there are plenty of people with bitcoins waiting to use them for something, and since there are not many legitimate services they can spend them on otherwise, there are many people looking to do stuff with their bitcoins in this underworld.  With little knowledge, a novice can access this place like a ninja and heist a bunch of schmucks for their imaginary bitcoins.  Here are a some ways that you can make 5,000 dollars by next week.

    Sham Transactions

    The gray area in the dark web is that its perfectly “legal” to engage people in sham transactions to “convince” others to part with their bitcoin for illegitimate goods and services.  Since everything is anonymous, technically there should be no recourse if you forgot to ship that ak-47 to Yemen, and you certainly would not be violating any terms of service agreements by creating numerous fake profiles and dummy transactions to catch a whale buying your drugs on the silk road.

    ninja computer mask

    Putting a mask on your face makes all internet transactions completely anonymous


    You can pretend that you are an assassin and create an anonymous posting for your services.   The key to making large sums of bitcoin is to respond to queries in a matter of fact tone. Use your imagination.  Tell your mark anything you think they would want to hear and then charge them an upfront retainer.  Since technically the deep web is anonymous, as are bitcoins, your retainer fee would be yours to keep.  Be sure to do nothing else afterwards. This is the same philosophy lawyers use. 

    Give me all your imaginary money!


    Anybody associated with the dark web already has a target on their back by the FBI.  You can use this to your advantage.  Maybe hire someone to write mailicious code that pops ominous messages whenever an unsuspecting mark accesses the dark web.  The following message appearing on a user’s computer screen will probably yield a nice payday. “Dear _____.  Either pay 800 bitcoins to this account by next week, or spend the rest of your life in prison.  Toodles.   XOXO 🙂

    poison message

    All your base are belong to us.


    Feeling lucky.   Maybe grab a few credit card numbers from the deep web and purchase some bitcoins to gamble with on just-dice.  Since it’s technically not illegal to own bitcoin, nor is it actually worth “real” money, you can technically bet all the bitcoin you want and make all the imaginary money you want  It’s the stolen credit card thing that will send you to jail.  But if you pay back your winnings, it may mitigate your potential sentence.

    4.5 gpa, 2360 SAT, Not good enough! MUST MAKE TUITION!

    The bright side is that the currency used in the deep web is in the process of transcending itself into a viable mainstream alternative  Nowadays, you can pay for a few legitimate services online.  As long as there is demand for bitcoin above and below the mainstream internet, it will hold value.  You can use this to your advantage.  If you were ever in a bind and you needed to raise 5,000 dollars by next week, the decision is on you to rip some schmuck off in the deep dark underworld and make humanity a better place by hacking them for their bitcoins, or going to a payday lender.  Its your choice.

    The author of this article is purely speculating about what happens in the dark web based on anecdotal evidence primarily found on cursory internet searches. This article is intended for humor purposes only and should not be considered financial advice for all express intent purposes and otherwise. Or something like that.

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