Military to Bear Controversial “Show Me Don’t Tell Me Policy” on Gays

    September 18, 2013 at 7:59 am

    WASHINGTON-In a controversial pre-emptive effort to curb fraudulent housing and subsistence benefits paid out to homosexual married members in the military, the military will enact a bold “Show me, don’t tell me” policy on homosexual married couples.

    Secretary of Defense, George Marshall released a statement this morning, To ensure that the military has the necessary resources to tackle issues domestic and abroad, we are announcing a new policy that is a natural progression from, “don’t ask, don’t tell”.

    Assistant U.S. attorney, Kenneth Starr is looking into the legality of the policy change, but offered no promises to curb the proposed policy, “The negative budgetary constraints that numerous marriages force on the military hinder our nation’s ability to have a strong and well regulated militia.  Therefore it is necessary to enact strong measures to curtain abuse”.  Legal analyst, Dan Patrick suggests that the weakening of the military through any sort of legislative measure is political suicide that would never gain any support in the house or senate.

    Marshall further states that from a fiscal perspective the military was doing all it could do to, but that they were hamstrung by current legal provisions.  Marshall further reiterated, “With the striking down of DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) marriage benefits offered to only 20 percent of same sex couples would balloon the military budget to over 1 trillion dollars”.

    The proposed policy would consist of surveillance cameras placed in newly married couples bedrooms. In addition, internet traffic will be sent directly to a Department of defense server which would monitor internet traffic to ensure that it fits what the department of defense has called a “gay algorithm”.   After three months of marriage, the soldiers must face a committee to determine if future benefits will be paid out.

    Defense Schematic

    Official Department of Defense schematic of proposed monitoring system

    Not everybody is pleased about the new policy. Melvin Bates, 46 recalls when he was a member in the military, homosexual behavior was an unspoken norm, “We would have our partners but go home to our wives”.  Josh Tyrell, 22, details life in the barracks as an unmarried enlisted soldier, “Man, ida be about to marry me another man just so I could receive bennys (sic).  Everybody be a doing it now, but the gay sex ain’t cool”.

    Still though, amongst same-sex couples in the military, there is support for the new policy change.  Steven Smith and his partner state that the projected benefits of marriage with his long time partner, outweigh the government intrusion into his most personal affairs, “This is a slippery slope, but I’m loud, and proud, and when I pound, he can now make a sound”.

    Private Steven Smith and partner Robert Russo

    Phone calls to the American Civil Liberties Union were not returned as of press time.

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