Five Ways the NFL Can Improve it’s Image

    July 3, 2013 at 4:54 am

    The NFL has an image problem it desperately needs to improve.

    Since last year’s Super Bowl, scores of NFL Athletes have been arrested.  These arrests have severely harmed the NFL’s image.  Moreover, looming on the radar are the lingering and persistent effects of numerous men who have willingly submitted themselves to unsafe violent collisions week after week.

    Finding an intersection that legally sanctions violence, reduces concussions, and still appeals to man’s primal nature is a tricky proposition.  Fortunately, this proposition to improve the NFL’s image has been well thought out.  Here are the findings.

    The hardest hits in the NFL are those where a player is blindsided or hit with a helmet-to-helmet hit.  The current rules explicitly states that offensive players are not allowed to retribute against an opponent. To allow for offensive retributions, all that needs to be done is to allow one member of the offensive team to carry a knife.  This would open up the game to include more scoring, more skill, and less boring running plays.  This rule would read as follows:

    One member of the offensive team shall be allowed to carry a sharpened blade.  This blade shall not exceed four inches in length nor will serrated edges be longer than ¼ inch.

    Meat Cleaver

    Under the proposed rule change this legal knife can be used to legally sublimate aggression

    Employ affirmative action.  Each team must have a certain percentage of multiple ethnic categories in line with the United States ethnic breakdwon.  This means the NFL needs to drop the amount of black folk in the league 54% and instead make every effort to be 5 percent Asian, 16 percent Latino, and 65 percent white.  While the NFL game day roster is 53, each team will be allowed a few extra Latino’s and Whites to account for undocumented immigrants from Mexico and Canada respectively

    Form a strategic alliance with political organizations and lobby for less restrictive gun, drug, and violence charges.  While successful political lobbying won’t remove all these restrictions, it will certainly lower the arrest rate of NFL players, which in turn will improve it’s image.


    Working together to reduce the arrest rate of NFL players

    Cloning-.  By being at the forefront of cloning technology, the league can clone its more marketable performers like Peyton Manning, or other ameable looking white dudes while simply rejecting those more with higher likelihood of offending aka everybody else.  Sometimes cloning has a few side effects.

    Mutant League

    Or not. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


    Convert referee costumer from Zebra influenced to Prison Guard influence.  Then take a bunch of prisoners, and convert them to NFL players for the day.  By making this change, it effectively sets the message to the rest of society that the NFL fully supports reintegration of people in the large albatross known as the United States prison system into contemporary mainstream society.  Moreover it is a symbolic step in a direction that shows the NFL is making adequate steps in preparing its players for life after football by sending them back to complete the remainder of their sentence.

    Will Smith with guns

    The multitalented Will Smith masquerades as NFL player


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