How to Be a Functioning Addict

    July 1, 2013 at 4:19 am

    What are you addicted to? Who cares? I’ll take one. Or five. Here’s how you can (try to) become a functioning drug addict who can maintain both lives without any suspicion until you suddenly drop dead from an artery clogged with fully intact bars of xanax.

    What does it mean to be a ‘functioning addict’? You’re addicted to something, whatever it may be, but you also maintain a job and normal life. Maybe your friends and family don’t even know you’re an addict. Even if they do, your successful in areas of your life where ‘normal’ drug addicts are not.


    Prepare ahead of time. If you have a project that has a deadline one week from now, just get it over with as soon as possible so that you can go back and review what you did before handing it in…and don’t have to feel rushed. Or forget about it entirely. Which you will do if you don’t plan ahead. Don’t assume that you’ll “be fine” to do the work hungover and still fucked up on drugs; suck it up and put in some extra time before getting annihilated so you don’t even have to deal with trying to force yourself to give 110% when you’re only at 30%. However, preparing your work beforehand will make it look like you’re working in tip-top shape. Unless your track marks are visible or there’s vomit on your shirt.


    Limits. Know them. Most drug addicts don’t, but most drug addicts are not high-functioning maintainers who can put in a full day of work and then hold a conversation with your girlfriend’s parents for an hour without any weird glances or police being called. For functioning drug addicts, knowing your limits is extremely important. If you don’t know your limits, you’re no longer functioning.

    Resist the urge to chug all your medication before that big meeting. Remind yourself how fucked up you are in that moment, and how fucked up you’ll get if you continue to use before or during important events. Keep yourself in check. Self control is extremely important, especially when you’re only exercising a small amount of it.

    Be Self-Aware

    Keep yourself in check. Are you sweating a lot? Do you look totally fucking insane? Is there a white froth around your mouth? While you obviously don’t want to call attention to yourself by frantically checking a mirror every few minutes, keep an eye on the way you look and act. If you feel yourself getting too excited, take a few breaths and try to release that anxious feeling before continuing on with your day.


    Know your own needs. You have to eat to survive and you should be drinking a lot of water to try and slightly counteract all the raping the drugs are doing to your insides. Take vitamins. Organic ones. Drink green juices that taste like leaves and bushes. Chug that shit. Try to at least avoid soda; just drinking water will help the way you feel and look a great deal.

    If you follow these four steps, you can probably recreationally use drugs until a very old age with little side effects. But don’t quote me on that. I’m no doctor.

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