The Lost Art of Negotiation: Negotiating the Modern World

    June 25, 2013 at 4:39 am

    We seem to live in a world where the art of negotiation is becoming lost to the modern world.  What ever happened to the art of negotiation?  Is it lost?  Here are some modern negotiating tips to ensure your next negotiation goes well.The Nothing Approach: For starters, use the following line: “Nothing from nothing is nothing”.  For instance, that girl you banged last week texts you to toy with your emotions.  She says, “So, I’m pregnant”, offer up congratulations, and then say, “nothing from nothing is nothing”.    This also works for great for bank fees.

    preggo girl texts, "im pregnant"

    I'm sorry. Nothing from nothing is nothing.

    The Screw You Approach:  Find out personal information about your opponent.  Be nice about it. Then offer up made up stuff about yourself.  When your opponent lowballs or gives you an offer you don’t like, get belligerently angry. Then be sure to mention that you will tie in this person’s personal information with your libelous yelp posting for wasting your time.

    The Screwed You Approach: If the person counteroffers with “this is the best the system will allow me to do”, based on a system of arbitrary rules or them saying something to the extent that they don’t want “to lose their job” relate the idea of rape to their personal circumstances.  Be sure to use graphic descriptions, then tell how the police came in caught the perpetrator, but the courts let the guy off because the “suspect” wasn’t read his Miranda rights.

    Must Aquit

    Be sure to mention the egregiousness of the crime and the minor technicality that forbids justice

    The Retarded Approach: When was the last time you heard someone say, “shenanigans” to someone who had a disability?  People have natural aversion to people with disabilities so disabled people get ignored.  Fortunately, the Americans with Disabilities Act has you covered. This will get you VIP access everywhere for a fraction of the price.

    The Time is Money Approach:  Take up their time.  If someone is trying to shoo you along in order to get to the next customer, then take up their time by constantly saying the phrases, “I don’t understand”, “please explain that to me one more time” and “what if it was done this way…”.  Be sure to stand your ground and create a queue from your spot.  Eventually, the middle manager will come to you and grant you your way to mitigate the trouble you have caused going forward.

    Create a Line

    This approach works best when not wearing pants

    The “Hey Mister” Approach: Try to make things win-win for people.  For example some company or service provider wants to charge you a higher rate individually than the group rate.  Play “Hey Mister” to create a group of two.  Be warned, this approach only works for people under 60.

    Last but not least, be willing to walk away from the table.  If somebody tells you that the system won’t allow them to help you, or wants to charge you an exorbitant amount of money, get your money’s worth and tell them to “fuck off”.  This in itself is a form of negotiation.  This is the modern world, and modern times call for modern styles of negotiation.



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