Vegetables and You: Fixing the Food Crisis AKA Burgers For Everyone

    May 17, 2013 at 6:16 am

    If I was leader of the free world and had a population problem with lower socioeconomic peoples reproducing at a vastly superior rate than everybody else and I knew about an impending food crisis, I would summon my advisers and do everything my administration could possibly do to “fix” the problem. [By Maximus Fish]

    On the front end, here are a few numbers to crunch. There are over 31 million students that received subsidized school lunches and 18.3 million people receive these lunches for free. Lets also pretend that over 46 million people receive food stamps. Though food stamps are now electronic and no longer have the stigma they once had, the aforementioned figures illustrate that there are certain poorer segments of the population that are reproducing. Rapidly. Exponentially.

    Remember children. Its your choice to eat lots of vegetables!

    Since this is the post-modern world and killing giant groups of people is bad for P.R., my solution would probably be to stop people from reproducing. This would have to be done on the sly and responsibility would have to be shared or diffused. This is because democracy is slow moving and secret plans get all messed up when everybody knows too much about them. It would have to be done over time, slowly and discretely, much like gently raising the water temperature to boil a lobster.

    Ah, I know what I would do. Whereas water is controlled by local municipalities, and heavily regulated, the nation’s food supply is monitored federally. I would utilize my super powers as president and get the department of agriculture and big business involved. First of all, nobody knows what in the world goes on with the department of Agriculture. Then I would get together with my illuminati buddies and suggest that they hatch out a secret plan to put an acceptable amount toxins in food in low enough parts per trillion that would eventually cause sterility in future generations. It needs to be subtle enough to ensure this generation is unknowing, but ensuing generations will be unaware until it is too late.

    Now, back to the secret meetings. On the backend, lets just pretend that I learned that vegetables with recombinant genetic materials have proven to sterilize a significant amount of people. How would it be possible to ensure that the population eats these in everything?

    You will enjoy this vegetably goop-de-goop.

    Lets also just pretend that the Department of Agriculture gave certain farm subsidies to plants like corn and soy and a certain corporation dominated patents on seeds and pesticides that farmers were contractually obligated to purchase. Lets also pretend that the prices of these agricultural products were really cheap and could be and are used in everything.

    The only way to get rich off of welfare is to be a business owner. If you networked with the government, you can leverage your profits. For instance, you may be able to influence the way the government encourages a “healthy balanced diet.” Or, you may be able to convince politicians that in fact, you are not offering pizza, but rather cheese and dough flavored vegetables in order to accept EBT (Electronics Benefit Transfer) aka SNAP aka Foodstamps.

    America. Land of the Free.

    We live in an abstract world. Politicians no longer have the time to read well thought out and reasoned letters, rather they gauge their constituent opinions based on hashtag searches and statistical data. People can show political will and strength by voting with their wallets. Since many people don’t have any money, it is still possible to let your politicians know that you don’t approve of the secret plans to reduce fertility rates. It’s getting expensive to shop organic but we can level the playing field for hard working organic farmers by providing them with a subsidy. Why not go on food stamps to subsidize organic food purchases? We’re entitled to it.

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