5 Nasty Foods That Shouldn’t Exist

    May 14, 2013 at 6:05 am

    No, this isn’t another “Why McDonald’s is Evil” rant, but a look into the unsavory world of strange, unnatural, and downright nasty foods that shouldn’t exist. These nasty foods sound like terrible joke products from Ren & Stimpy (sorry; I’m old) but are unfortunately very real.

    The test tube burger probably tops the list of nasty, disgusting foods that shouldn’t exist in any universe, on any planet. How does it work? 20,000 tiny strands of beef muscle tissue are grown in a laboratory and then mashed together to create a single Frankenburger.

    The meat is apparently produced in “huge vats” in a lab in the Netherlands, and everything about that makes it sound even more nightmarish and like eating this might start slowly transforming you into a cow-beast.

    The burger will be introduced to the world at a London event one month from now; will people love the meat strand pie or is this meaty monster destined to fail?

    A close second and another nasty food that shouldn’t exist is Casu Marzu, a type of cheese. But this isn’t any cheese. This is a special cheese. This cheese will dance for you.

    Casu Marzu is so nasty that it’s actually been outlawed for being absolutely fucking gross. The special — and especially nauseating — quality of Casu Marzu is that inside its pasty white shell squirms hundreds of maggots just waiting to be eaten up by you, a person who loves the slippery, fatty juice they create in this repulsive delicacy.

    Chewing on live maggots, fat juice and old cheese sounds like enough to make even hardened Fear Factor contestants shit their pants, but would you rather eat a donkey dick? Like, if it were a life or death situation. If you had to choose between Casu Marzu and roasted donkey dick, which would you choose?

    Donkey dick is apparently big in China, where eating the dicks of other animals is also common. Instead of trying to pen one of a billion ‘dick eating dick lovers’ jokes, I’ll just say this: my biggest problem with eating the dick isn’t eating the dick, but the fact that no one has made the slightest effort to alter the dick’s appearance before cooking and serving it. If I’m eating dick, “insert joke about unwillingly making an accidental beastiality porn in front of the whole restaurant.”

    I’m not limiting this nasty food to just donkey dick, but include all animal dicks and testicles in this item. Boys are bad enough; the last thing I want to do is chew on a dead thing’s genitals.

    Moving onto the next nasty food that shouldn’t exist, I present to you Lutefisk. If dicks and maggoty cheese wasn’t bad enough, what if your “eat this or die” options included a fish that was soaked in lye for over a week before making its way to your plate?

    Lye is used as a weed killer, a drain cleaner, and even in the process of manufacturing biodiesel. It also transforms Lutefisk into a yummy treat that looks like a dirty slushy and will apparently not mush your insides up into a soup.

    Our last terrible and nasty food that shouldn’t exist doesn’t have to be cooked, preserved, or grown in a laboratory to gross you out. Although completely natural, Durian fruits apparently smell worse than your turd-encrusted underwear after a long weekend playing Skyrim in the basement. With no air conditioner. When it’s 100 degrees outside. And for all intents and purposes, you’re obese in this little fantasy scenario.

    The Durian is so smelly, “No Durian” signs hang in the lobbies of upscale hotels and throughout Singapore’s public train system. But despite smelling bad enough to literally make it into the news, Durians are supposed to be sweet and delicious. You just have to conquer an extremely strong urge to vomit in order to get there.

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