How to Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone Pt 3: Surefire Tips To Tell If She’s Interested

    May 2, 2013 at 4:00 am

    So you finally got a girl to call your smelly ass back. Congratulations. What are you going to do about your first date? In How to Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone, Pt 3,  we shall examine dating etiquette on the first date. Refresh yourself with Pt 1 and Pt 2, trust us you’ll learn something about how much you repulse the opposite sex.

    The focus should be on fun, not formal. You don’t want to immediately stifle her with boredom and awkwardness; you’ll have plenty of time for that later.

    Choose an activity that will allow time for conversation, but not too much conversation. Even if you’re a total stoner, sitting around smoking weed is never a good idea. Nobody ever found someone interesting when they get “too high” and desperately grasping at conversation topics besides “oh, yeah, cool.” Even if weed makes you eloquent, the sitting around part is a huge liability for turn-off. Or, you’ll both click and realize you are soul mates and get married, and the next day find out all you really have in common is you both like strawberry Rice Krispies Treats. [Editor’s note: I got stoned on my first date with my now-wife, but it was in-between fun activities I had planned.]

    On the same note, things like going to the movies or seeing a play (lame) can also be bad because there’s no time to talk. Unless your ideal conversation consists of artfully and eloquently discussing whatever masterpiece you just viewed and how absolutely philanthropic it was. You prick. [Editor’s note: If you have a problem saying interesting things, and many people do, seeing a movie before dinner can maximize conversation topics and minimize conversation time. Plan around your strengths and also minimize your weaknesses. If you are afraid of movies, maybe don’t see one.]

    Stuff like going to a county fair to marvel at all the animals/obese people, attending a demolition derby, visiting your favorite dive bar, getting drunk at an arcade, playing laser tag, going to the batting cages, visiting a museum, or getting a semi casual dinner and binge-drinks are all great ideas, as long as she seems like someone who will like them, too. Don’t rent canoes on a lake; it might sound romantic but is sure to make your palms sweat blood when you’re floating around, 20 minutes from land, with nothing to talk about besides Magic the Gathering.

    Do not expect this. Everyone knows canoeing on the lake requires two blue mana.

    So you’re playing Buckhunter and pool at your favorite local bar (are you on your first date with me? If not, call me). What should you talk about?

    Try to actually pay attention to what your date is saying, even if you’re only playing a sordid game of smash-and-dash. If your date is talking about something you find boring, ask a few questions about it. Listen to her answers with patience, and then gently change the subject. You don’t want her to feel totally ignored but there’s only so much talk of the AIDS Walk one can take before wanting to Magic Johnson oneself.

    [Editor’s Tip: Frequently a date will emit a long-winded, emotional ramble about something you know/care nothing about. Then they will pause, expecting you to say something. DON’T say, “ohhhhhhhkay?” DO say, “I understand.” “I understand” are magic words whenever you don’t know how to respond to a date. Also, try to understand or else you’re a douche.]

    It is not imperative that you pick up the entire tab. If you want to be a gentleman and go out of your way to do a nice thing for her on your date, pick up the tab. If you’re sort of broke, try to mention it beforehand so she doesn’t experience any surprises. Equal rights and women’s suffrage hasn’t changed much in the chivalry department, and most girls expect that being ‘taken on a date’ means being paid for as well. Which is fine. You should want to pay for your date, at least a few times. There’s something about vaguely sexist, stereotypical dating roles that really gets the blood flowing. Also, a guy who can’t come up on $100 to take a girl out is a red flag.

    The worst thing you can do is to ask her to pay for you. Never leech like that unless she’s your mother/girlfriend and you’re already living in her basement, abusing her cats when she isn’t home and filling old Snapple bottles with pee. If you truly have no money, suggest an activity that costs no money.

    You may have noticed that when a girl is taken out, she’s taken out, while when a boy is taken out, it’s leeching. Sorry folks; life isn’t fair. I don’t make the rules. I just tell you how to subtly break them.

    Don’t be overtly touchy-feely. That means no groping. If you put your hand on her knee every single fucking time you giggle that annoying high-pitched squeal of yours (I’m talking to you, my first OkCupid date ever), you’re overdoing it.

    Here’s how you know if she’s down (to do what, I am not sure): You’re hanging out for a few hours. You’re sitting next to each other at the bar or the park bench or the DMV. Your knees knock together lightly.

    If she doesn’t move her leg away from yours and lets it rest against your knee, congratulations. You’re in.

    Besides not acting like you’re about to shit and/or cum your pants, refraining from being the total creep you are deep inside your primordial brain and not stiffing her with a $50 cocktail bill, remember to be yourself. If she doesn’t like it, she can go fuck yourself; she doesn’t know what she’s missing out on! And you can spend the rest of the year playing Naruto with your 34-year-old internet girlfriend.

    In How to Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone, Pt 4, we’ll examine how to avoid clinginess on either end.

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