How to Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone, Pt 2

    April 30, 2013 at 4:00 am

    The first thing to realize is that the “Friend Zone” doesn’t really exist, but is just a fancy, convoluted way of saying “she just doesn’t like you that much, dude.” Read Part 1 of “How To Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone,” here. Once you accept that no amount of pickup artist tricks or super-sexy fedoras is going to change the way a girl feels about your personality, only then can you truly begin to conquer and avoid the dreaded Friend Zone.

    In part one we reviewed some behaviors to avoid when courting your wench of choice. In part two of “How to Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone,” we will examine ways to make your physical appearance as attractive to the opposite sex (or same sex, whatever) as possible.

    Physical appearance can be split into the following categories:
    – Hair and Makeup
    – Accessories
    – General Apparel
    – Hygiene

    Hair and Makeup

    Please be aware that if you are a straight man, wearing makeup such as eyeliner and/or coverup makes you look like the anal, high maintenance narcissist you should be at least trying to hide from the rest of the world.

    Do your hair however you want, unless what you want is to grow one of those thin mustaches that you have to gel into curly spirals at each end; they’re sure to make anyone and everyone look like a pussy.


    No sideways hats sitting so high on the top of your head it looks like your brain is welling up into a giant egg. No puca shell necklaces. Absolutely no fedoras.


    General Apparel

    The list of suggestions for what to avoid when it comes to clothing in general is probably longer than (and more important than) The Bible, but is often ignored. It also happens to be one of the things that can make or break your hunt for a playdate for your boner.

    Instead of listing atrocities like Affliction brand clothing, tight pleather pants and khakis, I’ll just say this: Simple and clean trumps anything you think is cool when it comes to crazy rhinestone dragons, yellow checkered designer jeans or those dumbass Adidas shoes with the stuffed animal crawling out of the top like it’s trying to escape from your rapist feet. If you minimize the amount of crazy shit going on with your outfit and stick to basic casual dress, you can only go wrong if you’re too stupid to pick out clothes that are the right size and fit you correctly. Which some people are. Sorry; I can’t help you with that.

    Avoid khakis, crocs, gigantic clown-foot sneakers, suits with gigantic shoulders that make your head look like Beetlejuice, shirts with “really cool” logos and complicated designs, really square dress shoes, and brown leather belts. If you’re still confused, just wear all black. It makes you look like you know what you’re doing and don’t have time for bullshit.


    Last but most importantly, brush your fucking teeth. Wash your hair at least sometimes; if your head is snowing, you need to wash your hair. Don’t let it get so greasy that it’s hanging in Jason-esque strands in front of your face.

    If you sweat a lot, that’s another good reason to stick to all black at least when it comes to shirts. Everyone knows you can’t control it, but that doesn’t stop a room full of people from being totally grossed out when you march in with your smelly, used-to-be-one-color shirt that’s drowning in your pit stains.

    Cut your nails and try to wash your hands frequently so that your nails and fingers are clean. A girl who is interested in your notices your hands pretty early on; no girl wants subway-crusted dirt paws in her vagina.

    And there you have it. Take care of your physical appearance and others will notice. Take too much care of your physical appearance, and others will notice that, too. Know what you like and what’s flattering for you, and the pussy will gravitate toward you like Alex Jones’ conspiracy theories to anything bad that happens in America. Unless you’re totally creepy, in which case no amount of suave dress will save you.

    In How to Avoid the Dreaded Friend Zone Pt 3, we’ll look at dating etiquette.


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