Avoiding the Dreaded Friend Zone Pt 1

    April 23, 2013 at 4:30 am

    Guys have a stigma about avoiding the Friend Zone because of a perceive notion that once a girl decides a guy is her friend, any romantic interest is off the table. The first thing you need to understand about theFriend Zone is that you don’t get placed there because you didn’t use your mana correctly and cast the wrong spell. You get put in the Friend Zone because a girl doesn’t fucking like you the way you like her. But don’t fret, nerdlies and sperglords, there are a few things you can do to at least reduce your chances at being seen as a Kewpie doll with nothing but a glazed over, plastic bump between its legs.

    Similarly, no woman has ever seen a guy’s T-Shirt and said, “wow that’s a funny gamer joke, wanna bang?”



    In part one we will focus on the most important and effective way to avoid the Friend Zone: your behavior is a huge deciding factor when your target is assessing your value (and possibly your boner). Even if you’re Zac Efron (who looks like a fetal alcohol baby to me), most girls care and over-analyze a boy’s actions when he’s doing his ridiculous little mating dance.

    What I’m trying to say is that you should first and foremost try to avoid being a pervert. The only girls who like creepy perverts are tweaking off meth and/or prostitutes trying to profit from your creepiness. Being a pervert is never cute or clever unless you are already absolutely sure that your girl is trying to get it.

    Inside Tip: If you have your shirt off and you’re not swimming, you are a creepy pervert

    Perverted no-no’s include but are not limited to:
    – Groping.
    – “Joking” about your sexual desires. Everyone knows it’s not a joke. Everyone knows what you want before you say it, so just don’t.
    – Sexual comments of any kind.
    – Prolonged periods of laser-eyed staring.
    – Letting your boner hang out of your pants just a little bit so she will notice from the corner of her eye but think she’s going crazy when she turns her head to look and you’ve hidden your nasty nasty again.

    The only girls who like creepy, gropey, perverted guys are ones who have spent so much time in the tanning salon that their entire brains have actually hardened into a cancerous tumor. You probably aren’t going to get any emotional satisfaction from a girl who seems totally fine with you grabbing her ass on the first date, but your boner will thank you for the smash-and-dash later (unless you aren’t protected, in which case you can expect it to cry disgusting pus-colored tears at you for your mistake).

    Besides not acting like the “primal ass-grabbing monkey you feel is your natural state deep inside your brain,” you also shouldn’t put the girl on too much of a pedestal. You’ll have to use your subject’s personality to gauge the extremity of your behavior, and to cater to her needs — but not by too much. Unless you’re dating a future Bridezilla, most girls just want to be treated like your BFF with some chivalrous ass-kissing thrown in here and there.

    Yes, groping and staring is still creepy

    Be yourself; if she starts liking you for your “impress a girl” act, shit is going to get pretty ugly when she later discovers that you’re a Faygo-chugging, Waifu-having psycho with an entire wall covered in pictures of Celine Dion. Be honest with yourself and with the world and a girl who shares your interests will surely come to you, even if it’s only through the internet or on a “Get a Perfect Anime Girlfriend” app.

    Then again, you don’t want to be too honest. Don’t talk about your ex-girlfriends. I have found that hearing about a boy’s ex-girlfriends is useful when it comes to assessing a boy’s personality, likes and dislikes, and baggage. But as I am a somewhat cold and calculating girl, I have found that most other girls do not share these sentiments and would prefer to not hear about your previous jabbing experiences at length. Also, talking about your previous relationship(s) makes you sound like you have extra baggage. Don’t drag those limb-filled suitcases into your new airport.

    If you’re a goofy dude and try to tone it down around girls, try not to worry too much about being less funny. Girls who don’t like funny dudes are bland enough to suck your entire personality out through your hoo-hoo. And if you think you’ve been placed in the Friend Zone for being too silly, you’re wrong; she’s probably pretty straight forwardly uninterested in you and no amount of acting is going to change that. Go forth, little one, and find someone who appreciates you for your smelly, pervy, goofy self.

    In part 2, we’ll address the ‘smelly’ issue by going over Physical Appearance.

    1. john says:

      This author seems well intentioned enough.

      S/he seems to know nothing of how human attraction really works. While she isn’t saying 100% the wrong thing, most boys who are in the “friend zone” are there because they aren’t triggering attraction.

      I just feel really bad for any boy actually following this advice, is all. And I know her heart is in the right place.

      Perhaps pick up a book on evolutionary biology or how attraction works on the unconscious/animal/non-conscious level. It will give you some “aha” moments as to why girls are attracted to boys who are not “nice guys” just “being themselves.”

      Quite counter intuitive facts, and quite interesting reading. You’ll learn how to trigger female attraction (without also having the asshole tendencies of some “bad boys” whom girls are attracted to).

      While the content will get you no where with 90% of girls, your intent is great, and thanks for the article.

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