The Weird and Wacky World of Spa Treatments

    April 4, 2013 at 4:00 am

    I heard that Kim Kardashian got a blood facial, but I couldn’t find out what type of blood was used. And I’m not going to lie: I sort of want one, too. Not because Kim Kardashian got it, but because such a thing exists. Whenever I did it, I just thought it was called “rubbing blood on your face and being okay with the fact that no one understands you.” Here are some other weird spa treatments that probably totally work but are underestimated because, frankly, a lot of them are kind of gross.

    Let me note that I would eagerly do any and all of these. Except the buccal facial, which is not what I know you think it is.

    Snake Massage: Snake massage is, as far as I know, only available at a carnivorous plant farm in Israel. Owned by Ada Barak, the farm offers snake massages in which the client allows snakes to crawl all over his or her naked body. Snake massages are supposed to help calm the nerves and are only perverted if you get a boner.


    There are so many bizarre facials out there that it’s hard to know which deserve the most attention. Here’s a list of the worst of the worst:

    Snake Venom Facial: $450, and it’s not even real venom but a blend of ‘active ingredients’ and synthetic venom.
    Spermine Facial: $125 for 60 minutes of letting cum dry on your face. Just kidding; the sperm is synthetic, just like the fake venom in the fake venom facial.
    Bird Shit Facial: $180, and this time it’s real. Nightingale poop is smeared across your face and called a ‘Geisha Facial’ because this was one of the many measures Geishas actually took to preserve their porcelain-like skin.
    Snail Slime: And guts. Let’s not forget the guts part. In this treatment, the lives (and bodies) of innocent snails are smashed up into a paste for the sake of your shallow vanity. Snail slime is designed to protect the snail itself from cuts, germs and the sun’s rays, so it makes sense that their precious bodies would leave your skin feeling softer and smoother.
    Buccal Facial: A trained professional massages your face. From the inside of your mouth.

    Placenta Facial: The placentas are ‘donated by women after giving birth.’ What they don’t mention is that these women are living in a basement and forced to breed rapidly so Simon Cowell and Eva Longoria can have their placenta facials.


    Miscellaneous Therapies

    Plasma Therapy

    Plasma Therapy: This bizarre spa treatment involves removing your blood, pumping it full of oxygen as if it were just spewed from your heart or your lungs where it’s pumped full of life (give me a break; I’m no scientist), and then injected back into your body.
    Organic Bull Semen Hair Treatment: Calm down, it’s organic. Only the finest bull sperm for your precious locks. This is a treatment offered by Hari Salon in London, an establishment that believes that bull sperm penetrates (heh) every hair follicle to moisturize and strengthen the hair.


    Bizarre Baths

    Wine bath
    Wine: Apparently, there are multiple spas dedicated solely to treatments that incorporate wine. Wine spas include wine baths, wine facials, grape seed oil treatments, and slightly awkward escapades involving crushing grapes all over your body.
    Urine: Urine therapy, like the bird shit facial, is an ancient concept that has been practiced for thousands of years. Pee facials, baths, and chugging sessions are all part of urine therapy that is supposed to revitalize and moisturize the skin due to peepee’s naturally occurring antifungal, antibacterial and antiviral properties. This isn’t that crazy; it’s just kind of gross to most people who don’t even know why they really think it’s gross and have never actually tasted their own pee. Which, by the way, is quite terribly flavored. Not that I would know anything about that.
    Evian Water Bath: $5,000 to bathe in a tub filled with Evian water, which tastes like chlorine.
    Sound Bath: “An acoustically perfect tabernacle and energy machine sited on a powerful geomagnetic vortex in the magical Mojave desert.” Translation? Go into a UFO-shaped pod in the middle of the desert and lie on a mat as the music from quartz crystal singing bowls gently lull you into a state of… something.
    Fish Pedicures: If you think it sounds cute to let a bunch of tiny fish nibble away the dead skin from your feet, consider this: A tank full of dirty, grubby fish, living in their own filth, are used and reused for this practice multiple times a day. But sticking your feet into smelly fish water is the least of your concerns; fish pedicures are now illegal in the United States after health officials became concerned that using the same fish to treat multiple people could spread infections or diseases from one person to another. However, there don’t seem to be any cases of this actually happening and it’s been deemed “highly unlikely.”

    Enjoy taking the DIY route in life? Load up on wine, buy a bunch of cheap minnows, grab some Evians (or Smart Water if you’re feeling extra wild), steal your sister’s placenta from wherever she keeps it, put a snake on your back, and pump up the volume. Prepare to be forever young.

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