How to Become a Cyborg

    April 3, 2013 at 4:30 am

    People are always coming up to me and asking, when will we become cyborgs? The answer is right now, if you’re a billionaire on a strange and somewhat pointless mission. Here’s how you, too, can be a cyborg.

    Hair Fake, Teeth Fake, Err-Thang Fake

    While getting hair implants, fake teeth that clip onto metal tracks which are anchored into your jawbone during surgery, and Lasik eye surgery won’t make you a cyborg even a little bit, acquiring these alterations would bring you one step closer to becoming a manufactured robot. Robots may have real hair or teeth, but only because the hair and teeth were forcibly removed from another person and then transplanted onto the robot. Robots can’t grow anything, so get started with anything and everything to start transforming you from a puny regular human into a plastic — and perfect — creation.


    Heart Replacement

    Your heart has got to go. Cyborgs don’t have pulses, and you don’t need one either. Scientists have created a metal and plastic heart that can replace a human heart entirely, eliminating the pulse and replacing it with the quiet whirring of its motor.

    This mechanical heart has been in the works for about 30 years. Called the Jarvik-7, the first one required the patient to sit beside a giant machine that would operate the motor via small tubes that were inserted into the victim’s body. The first person to live entirely on a Jarvik-7 was Barney Clark, and although he survived 112 days on the Jarvik-7 he repeatedly expressed a desire to die rather than lead a miserable existence trapped in a single room with a giant machine.

    Now, artificial hearts allow the patient to live without  a pulse — and without a machine. Well, okay, the guy to live the longest with one of these things has to carry a battery everywhere and is wheelchair-bound, but it’s a big step up from the original Jarvik-7.

    Bionic Limbs

    Bionic arms and legs are the next step; you must replace all four if you’re truly trying to become a cyborg like Robocop and aren’t just some half-assed cyborg poser like ED-209. Look at this guy; he is pretty adept at using his bionic arm. There’s even a type of bionic arm that can tie shoelaces and play cards. The Bebionic 3 even has a wrist that can spin around 360 degrees, making it more effective (and badass) than a fleshy one.


    Computers in the Brain

    There are a variety of computers designed for people with disabilities, from ones that respond to specific motions in the fingers and wrist to others which track eye movements. What the cyborg needs is BrainGate, which is a tiny chip implanted directly into the brain to give the user control over a computer using only his or her thoughts. Geared mostly towards those who are completely paralyzed and immobile, this is also the perfect tool for the aspiring cyborg. You will no longer be required to speak or even move if you do not wish to do so; your brain can direct your cyborg body (or someone else’s cyborg body) to do whatever you desire.

    That’s as close as you’re going to get. For now.

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