Sesame Street: Evil, Awful, and Terrible for Kids

    April 2, 2013 at 4:30 am

    Sesame Street is lauded by 80s and 90s babies as one of the most educational, memorable kid’s shows to ever exist. But this cherishing is horribly misguided; below the surface of smiling muppets, spelling creatures and counting vampires lies multiple dimensions of treachery designed to manipulate your children toward a life of depression, obesity and crime.

    Oscar the Grouch lives in a garbage can. It’s making fun of homeless people. There’s nothing fun about being homeless. That’s why Oscar is so grouchy all the time. No one else seems to care about him. Everyone thinks his grumpiness is cute, that his ‘bad attitude’ (see: mental illness) is amusing. Lice, hunger and a life of poverty are not amusing to Oscar, who is depressed and resigned to a life of sadness and filth. Being mocked by all the house-dwellers who find his misery so amusing only exacerbates his hopelessness.

    Also, why does Oscar have to be green? Why can’t he be yellow, or beige? Nope, he’s got to be the exact color of the juice that comes out when you squeeze a bunch of garbage/homeless people.

    The Cookie Monster is a fat, depressed food addict who teaches kids that it’s okay to eat their feelings. We have enough of an obesity problem in America without some famous, idolized children’s character encouraging impressionable youth to quaff carb-filled cookies like health potions. The existence of Cookie Monster is akin to making the Camel cigarettes camel mascot a character on Sesame Street for children to worship. Lesser known is Cookie Monster’s alter ego, Alistair Cookie, who hosts Monsterpiece Theatre and smokes a pipe that he ends up devouring. I think it’s pretty obvious that no one wants their children to do either one of those things.

    The Count is a Satanic, blood-sucking vampire who lures children into his creepy rape-castle of rape to ‘count.’ What are they counting, the number of victims The Count needs to fulfill his obsessive-compulsive mathematical desires? Vampires are symbols of sex and murder, not educational characters that bring laughter, fun and learning to children. Unless that laughter is maniacal in nature and the learning is in regards to learning how to effectively and efficiently drain a human body of blood.

    Bert and Ernie are gay as hell, which is where they’re both going when they die if they don’t repent for their sins and start attending church like normal people, the Christian values wherein are completely absent from Sesame Street. Not to mention that all their unprotected homo sex has most likely given them both AIDS.

    Miss Piggy is a total slut, parading around her fat ass in high heels and lipstick while Kermit relentlessly chases her with his weird frog boner. The voice of Elmo is a boy-drugging pedophiliac rapist and some guy wearing an Elmo suit was known to show up in Times Square to spew anti-Semitic hate rants before the NYPD finally arrested him. The list goes on, but it’s clear that Sesame Street is both evil and an evil magnet.

    All of these characters share traits which pose bigger threats to today’s kids. Most importantly, they’re all puppets, and everyone knows puppets become alive at night to make noises under the bed and tear up your homework. Besides being possessed by demons, these puppets are shaggy Swiffer bundles of germs, dust, and lice. The CGI used on children’s shows today is not only cleaner and safer but is more aesthetically pleasing than anything the real world has to offer.

    None of this is a revelation. Fox News has known of the evils of Sesame Street for over two years. When have they ever lied? Even the church has ousted Sesame Street as having pagan stars, that The Count is a reincarnation of Vlad The Imapler, and that Snuffaluffagus is the ghost of a virgin sacrifice. The only thing religious folks are wrong about is calling Oscar a Jew which, by his garbage can, you can see is clearly inaccurate (he is an Atheist drug addict).


    The fact that such a reprehensible, irresponsible show has been on the air for over forty years is mind blowing. How many lives has it ruined so far? How many does it have to ruin before America puts a stop to this brainwashing atrocity, these secret Nazi youth training videos? Wake up, forget about games like GTA (which at least teach children about the rules of the real world), and start focusing on things that really matter. Like Sesame Street. Only then will our kids stop murdering one another in school and making twerk videos.

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