5 Things I Hate About The Sims 3

    March 26, 2013 at 4:30 am

    Between putting in a cheat to receive large quantities of money so I can build my dream house (complete with a ladderless, death-pit pool to devour my unruly Sims) and struggling to keep a 7-Sim family afloat without any help at all, there is almost nothing I don’t like about The Sims. Almost. Here are a few things which I hate — things that drive me crazy with nerd rage — about The Sims 3.

    Harder to Kill Your Sims

    Back when Fag was a little baby, I tried to kill him by making him sit in the corner of the property for two months, alone.

    Long gone are the days when you could simply lock your Sim in a room and watch him or her starve until they were reduced to a tiny, pixelated gravestone on the ground where they used to stand. After Juggalo married some lady named Holly, I chose to have her father move in along with her. He turned out to be the grumpiest old bastard ever, albeit great at fixing all the electrical and plumbing problems in the house. I hadn’t killed any Sims during the entire game, so I decided he was a worthy sacrifice and locked him in a doorless shed filled with cheap ovens in the backyard. Smelly, tired, hungry, and lonely, he’s been pacing around that little box for what must have been a few Sim-months. The ovens caught on fire, but the old dude was unaffected. The next option was to put him in the pool and remove the ladder, preventing him from climbing out and eventually succumbing to fatigue and passing out, at which point he would drown. But that seemed too easy. I closed out of the game, deciding to wait him out.


    Limited Number of Sims Per Household

    These are not my Sims and I do not know what they are doing.

    When Juggalo married Holly, I wanted her mother to move in, too. That would make my Sim household home to nine Sims: Juggalo, Holly, her two parents, teenage Dungus, child Fag, slutty Slug, hardworking Courtney COCKS, and thieving Future Dan. But the game told me that nine Sims were too many Sims; Holly’s mother would have to stay at home, lonely and alone, while her husband slowly starved in a white-walled shack behind my Sim-family’s house, right by the little pond and the garden that Dungus was growing. I want to have fifteen Sims in one house, hurting to kill one another from the lack of personal space and constantly getting up off the couch (who has enough Simoleons for nine beds? Not this evil overlord) to yell at others for turning on the noisy television. I want all of my Sims to pee themselves because one guy is taking a bubble bath while the rest of them suffer outside the bathroom door. Those are my dreams. Reality is that only eight Sims are allowed in my household.


    How Does One Know When Sims are Preg?

    This is not Holly, but Slug. Slug is not pregnant but she is dancing with a police officer at his house.

    If I already have the maximum amount of Sims living in my household, does that mean Holly can’t have Juggalo’s baby? Because I am making them “Woo-Hoo,” which is Sims code for “have a lot of weird noisy sex under the covers” in their private and  luxurious king-sized bed while the rest of my Sims sleep in cheap cots all crowded together in one room. After they’re done, they go to sleep, and… well, nothing. How do I know if Mrs. Holly Juggalo is pregnant? Yahoo! Answers, always the pinnacle of trustworthy information, told me that Holly would “get morning sickness or something” if she were with child. She has been going to the bathroom a lot, but I’m not sure if the game notifies you of a pregnancy until the Sim has the actual baby.


    Sims Age Too Quickly

    Granny died fixing the toilet. Coincidentally, Dungus intruded at that very moment and had his birthday right beside her corpse/ghost. You can see Death, who has come for Granny, Granny's ghost, and Dungus' bathroom birthday party.

    Another issue with Holly’s possible pregnancy is that she’s old as hell. When Juggalo married her, she was a shy young sprite, womb ripe and ready for baby-growing. In only a few hours, she had a birthday and instantly morphed into a hunchbacked old lady who painstakingly shuffles around the house. Is Holly still fit to have children? Who knows? Where is the Sim-Jesus with the answers to all of my questions? In general, Sims age way too quickly. They have a birthday, blow out their candles, spin in a circle and are magically five to ten years older than they were a few seconds ago. Even Granny (Sim-Jesus bless her soul), who was an expert tinkerer and stayed home to do all the chores, died too quickly; she was bent over the toilet, installing an upgrade, when she made a face and turned into a zombie ghost. Then she was gone. I put her grave right outside my house so she could haunt the place at night, but it’s just not the same. I was pissed. She was, like, a level five in handiness.


    Can’t See Your Sims at Work

    Since you can’t see them at work, here is an image of Future Dan playing guitar while Juggalo admires a painting and Fag sleeps on the couch.

    When Sims go to work, you can’t see what they’re doing. All you get is a view of their office and a bunch of noises that are coming from inside. The science lab has science-y noises like beeps and whistles and bubbling cauldrons. The police station has walkie talkies, phones, other police-type stuff I can’t remember because I always play this game stoned out of my mind. The crime lab has some sinister sounding voices. The school has “class is out” bells, papers shuffling, kids talking. But what are they actually doing in there? I want to see what they’re doing. I want to control what they’re doing, maybe not entirely but a little bit. I want to poke little Fag at his desk. I want to watch Courtney COCKS quaffing potions.


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