Terrible Non-Rap Stuff Made by Rappers

    March 20, 2013 at 4:30 am

    Rappers are highly motivated entrepreneurial geniuses who will blow you away with the following businesses they thought up from the deepest crevices of their blunt demolishing craniums. Here are five terrible — or awesome — non-rap ventures created by rappers:

    Biggie’s Ghost

    The Notorious B.I.G.’s spirit “lives on” or is at least 3D-rendered in the new “House of Wallace” animated series. Hopefully not coming anywhere around you anytime soon, the House of Wallace is a cartoon about Biggie’s two children desperately trying to keep his Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, music studio alive and well. Biggie appears in “ethereal form” to encourage the children to resist larger corporations buying them out, to encourage them to “keep it real,” and to presumably traumatize them for the rest of their lives.


    Rap Snacks

    Honey Dew? That shit tasted like pancakes and MSG. Wikipedia lists Rap Snacks as being sold “particularly in inner-city areas,” which is code for “at fake delis that have two shelves full of dusty rap snacks and opened packages of tampons and are really a front for a gambling ring being run out of the back room.” That is at least where I buy my Rap Snacks from.

    Rap Snacks were the genius idea of some dude named James Lindsay and have surprisingly survived as a product since 1994; Lil Romeo purchased the entire company in 2007. Yung Joc, Master P, Dirt McGirt, and multiple Lil’ Romeo chip bags later, the business has created delicious 50-cent flavors such as Platinum Bar-B-Que, Back at the Ranch, Bar-B-Quin’ with my Honey, and Southern Crunk Barbeque.


    Rick Ross’ Wing Business

    Rick Ross is a rapper whose fame has stretched beyond his lyrical genius: his monicker is stolen from a criminal of the same name, who sued him for whatever it’s called when you think someone owes you part of the profit they made by being a total copy-cat. Ross is a former prison guard, and the nastiest, hardest part about him is his arteries — the man has had multiple seizures which can most likely be attributed to his terrible diet and heavy drug use.

    It therefore makes perfect sense that a greasy glutton like Ross would open up a greasy goddamn chicken wing business called Wing Stop. His inspiration was “You know, really, just being a fan of the wings. […] I’m going to go ahead and grind up to 100 of them, just on some real G shit.”

    If he survives.


    Styles P and His Juice Bar

    The least atrocious business on this list is Styles P’s juice bar, which he opened in the Bronx, NY, in 2011. His mix-and-match business includes a full juice bar where customers can choose whatever types of fruits and vegetables they want freshly squeezed into a juice, plus a row of exercise equipment lining the back wall. Styles P opened the bar with his friend, Nyger Rollocks, who inspired him to eat healthier after Styles P’s fast food lifestyle left him feeling a little Rick Ross around the gills

    Snoop Dogg’s Fighting Game

    Snoop Dogg is soon to come out with a fighting video game called Way of the Dogg, which will combine Snoop’s love of Kung Fu movies and his own chart-topping hits to create some type of Dance Dance Facepunch action. Rhythmic violence is the main focus of this game, as players face off against a different opponent during a different song on each level.

    Snoop said, “This game shows how we evolve as individuals and they’ve incorporated the journey of my own personal reincarnation as Snoop Lion into my character.” It sounds a lot deeper than what it will probably be: a fun, but pedantic, parade of pixelated cartoon characters pummeling one another to the beat of Nuthin’ But a G Thang.

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