6 Reasons I Don’t Trust People Who Don’t Like Animals

    March 13, 2013 at 4:00 am

    If you don’t like animals, I don’t trust you and quite frankly you’re on my shit list:

    Animals, Shmanimals

    People who don’t trust animals try to act like they forgot that humans are animals, complete with primitive, animalistic feelings and actions and motives. Our motives behind everything we do are based off of survival, just like every other animal’s.

    It’s not just wanting to fuck, but what we do to get what we want; mating dances (dancing at a club), posturing dances (“Bro, do you even lift?” reactions). We are filthy, dirty, creatures. Horny, mean, selfish, although not always all at once, we are also pretty weak when compared to a lot of other animals. Sure, elephants and tigers can’t produce cheeseburgers, nuclear weapons, Febreeze, or or plastic,  but they would almost always beat one of us in a fight.

    Anyone who disregards the connection between humans and animals on just a basic scientific level is retarded.


    Animals is Smart

    Animals is smart and they has feelings. Dolphins understand abstract stuff that some humans can’t seem to grasp, like ideas of “the future” and the number zero, which is debatably more of a concept than a number. Gorillas can learn sign language and communicate in sentences. Squid can speak in a language of LED lights lit up inside their bodies. Whatever. Animals can do all sorts of cool shit. They’re smart as hell. Especially dolphins. Dolphins know stuff about math and philosophy.

    Animals are also empathetic beings who have feelin’s, yall. Don’t be a dick to animals; that’s like being a dick to other people for no reason. Except to organisms that have been with us for thousands of years, creatures we have shared the planet with for, like, a really long time. So being a dick to animals is like being a dick to special people, which is even worse.

    Animals do stuff that even we don’t understand. They can do stuff we can’t do. Fly like a bird? Change colors? Maul a face off using teeth only? I guess we’ve got that last one covered.



    If you lack an, at the very least, a respect and basic connection with other species, you are probably a secret reptilian here from the inside of the moon.


    Animals Want to be Your Friend

    Animals want to get along with you. Why don’t you want to get along with them? That’s just weird. I don’t like people who have that snotty attitude towards other people, either.


    Unless You’re a Dick

    Or a ghost. Animals know what’s up. And if you’re an evil motherfucker, they are going to tell me. Dogs bark at ghosts and bad people, although not all people they bark at are bad because everyone knows that dogs can be pretty racist. Despite their faults, dogs can always detect when there is an evil villain lurking behind the face of a friendly guy in a suit.


    One Last Thing

    An mismanaged fear of animals is ignorant. Many animals should be feared, in a way, to a reasonable degree, but still understood and respected so that we don’t have to be afraid of them. People who act very frightened of even domesticated animals like dogs or birds just strike me as stupid. The world has a wealth of information to offer us, so that fear seems to raise an “I’m a dumbass” flag.

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