The Pros and Cons of Being a Hermit

    March 7, 2013 at 4:00 am

    During the Winter, I hide inside my house and try to not come out until Spring. Here are the pros and cons of being a hermit:

    Pro: Time

    The most obvious benefit of being a hermit is time. You’ll have lots of free time to masturbate until your genitals chafe off and read 500-page threads about the best way to power level your Skyrim character.


    Pro: Home Making or Whatever

    You’ll want to dedicate a large amount of that empty space in your life to building your dream house. It’s not like you have anywhere to go. In fact, improving your hermit hole is a savory and important part of being a successful hermit. Perfecting your dwelling takes away some of the pain found in “Con: Crippling Loneliness,” passes the time, and makes you more likely to receive visitors. Who will stay. Deliveries don’t count.


    Pro: Learn an Array of Odd Skills

    You will hopefully get bored of browsing Reddit before your muscles begin to atrophy, and decide that you want to learn a new skill. I have taught myself how to do a number of DIY projects on an amateurish level from watching tutorials on the internet. Once I know how to do the thing I’m trying to learn, I become easily distracted and start other projects. My house is filled with half-completed projects or “reminders to do things” that are really just piles of various mediums waiting to be transformed into functioning pieces of furniture and picture frames and other odds and ends.


    Pro: Delivery Everythang


    I am so serious about delivery that I had my fucking dog delivered to my house when I adopted her.

    FreshDirect for groceries. I am lucky to live in a city that has restaurants willing to deliver anything from calf’s liver to vegetarian lasagna at any hour of the day or night. The deli will bring chocolatey snacks and sodas to my house in any kind of weather. Netflix and Xbox live provide entertainment while can bring me any tool or ingredient I need to complete any task. They have grappling hooks, for chrissake.


    Pro: Never Get Cold


    Unless you don’t have heat because you’re “that type” of hermit. I never get cold or rained upon in my house.


    Cons: Crippling Loneliness

    My only friends

    You’re going to miss a lot of parties. Soon, you’ll miss just seeing the faces of strangers out on the street. Does anyone else actually exist? Does anyone know you exist? Your friends can’t always come over to your place. Having a dog helps, but you’ll still be suicidally depressed over your lack of interactions with others. Tip: Stock up on drugs, alcohol and cats.


    Cons: Becoming Retarded

    skyrim hermit

    I think I am becoming retarded and losing valuable social skills from spending so much time isolated indoors. Maybe I was always retarded. Maybe it’s you who is retarded, okay? Retarded is a mean word and you’re not supposed to say it. Hello, nice to meet you. My dog is really cool. Oh, okay; bye.


    Cons: McDonald’s Doesn’t Deliver

    Mcdonalds delivery

    And this is supposed to be the land of the free. What kind of a country do we live in when our Official National Food doesn’t even do delivery?


    Cons: Your Skin Falls Off

    Your body needs the sun. Without it, I’ve become slightly translucent and developed a hunch in my back. My body is slowly fusing to my couch and less and less of my friends will agree to come over and dump the toilet-bucket I keep next to my gouty legs.

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