6 Reasons I Hate the Oscars

    February 26, 2013 at 4:00 am

    I never watch them, except for last night when I happened to be at someone’s apartment with a few people who were completely enthralled by this pedantic charade. Watching the Oscars reminded me why I never watch the Oscars, and here are five reasons why I hate them.


    The same six movies are winning all the awards. Who cares? Why is a four-hour ceremony needed to show almost identical clips from six or seven movies? Just give the awards out by movie instead of category, and it’ll save a whole lot of time.

    The Oscars are nothing but a big circle jerk. There’s no diversity. It’s the same people over and over again, slapping each other on the dick in congratulations and guffawing as they thank themselves for being so goddamn amazing (at having the most money).

    Someone told me that a billion people tuned into watch a bunch of wealthy people give one another shiny objects and thank both themselves and a bunch of people nobody else knows on stage. Congratulations to audience members everywhere; you just drank the Kool-Aid.

    Not a goddamn interesting thing happened during the entire awards ceremony. It was like watching the cool table at high school share a bunch of inside jokes and trying to laugh along as they elbowed you out of the circle without making eye contact. At the end of the period, they sing a song and do a dance and knock the lunch tray out of your hand and you just smile and pretend that you’re in on the joke.

    But you aren’t. You are the joke.


    The Singing is Annoying

    Good lord, did I feel like a Guantanamo bay prisoner while I was forced to listen to a bunch of shiny, overly made-up celebrities wail about the Oscars. The song at the end was especially frightful. Seth McFarland has a nice voice, but whatever lady he was singing “Here’s to the Losers” with sounded like a slowly dying bird or the cartoon frog that carries a cane and sings “HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY DARLING HELLO MY CLEMENTINE.” [Editors Note:¬†Kristin Chenoweth is a national treasure, even if they did make her sing some crap]

    And the songs weren’t even good.


    Anne Hathaway

    Anne Hathaway is an awful creature. She’s annoying to look at and annoying to listen to. [Editor’s note:¬†Anne Hathaway is an awful creature. She’s annoying to look at and annoying to listen to]. I am not questioning her acting skills; she is undoubtedly a very talented actress. I can’t even criticize her as a person, because I know very little about her.

    The only thing I know about Anne Hathaway is that, every time she speaks, I want to put my palm over her stupid face and mush it around until she stops. It’s clearly unfair for one to dislike another person because of that person’s appearance and tone of voice, but life isn’t fair. And I don’t think that Anne Hathaway cares that a few people despise her cartoonish looks and muttery comments about “it coming true” during her acceptance speech. But I wish she did, because maybe then she would stop talking and hide under a rock where she belongs.


    The White House

    Why is Michelle Obama and/or the White House involved in the Oscars even a little bit? Michelle flashed her reptilian grin as she announced the winner for best something-or-other, which happened to be Argo. As she did this, six uniformed guards or whatever they are gazed lovingly at her from behind. Except the second guy off to the right. He was clearly just staring off into space. Everyone else looked like they were going to cream their chones listening to her talk about how great all the rich movie people were for having so much money, making multi million dollar movies with their huge budgets, and then congregating at the Oscars to have a big circle jerk about it.


    Everyone Was Really Shiny

    It was just uncomfortable to look at. There was something terrible going on between the makeup and the lighting that left most people looking like they just bobbed for french fries in a McDonald’s grease vat. The only people who looked good were Jennifer Lawrence and Kristen Stewart (who was probably high as hell and kept making awkward, twitchy movements every time the camera panned past her). Everyone else was full of grease or entirely forgettable. Except for the little girl from Beasts of the Southern Wild. I approve of her.



    Most people are unaware that just down the block, several hundred movie industry employees were protesting shitty wages and demanding better treatment on movie sets. The protest centered around the visual effects industry, and namely the crew for Life of Pi. Life of Pi’s visual effects house Rhythm & Hues filed for bankruptcy after working on a number of successful films including The Hunger Games and The Golden Compass.

    Life of Pi tried to give Rhythm & Hues a shout-out and direct attention to their problems during one of their acceptance speeches, but were cut off by the band. Because the speech was “too long.” Isn’t that rich?


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