Every Reasonable Person’s Love/Hate Relationship With a Yuppie Neighborhood Pt 1

    February 25, 2013 at 4:30 am

    If you can’t beat them, you don’t necessarily have to join them. You can just complain about their flaws while utilizing the perks of having them around. Here are four things every reasonable person loves and hates about any yuppie neighborhood. And more specifically areas of Brooklyn:

    Pros: The Food


    Whether you want Italian, Japanese, Chinese, Mexican, American, French, Ethiopian, or Italian-Japanese-Chinese-Mexican-American-French-Ethiopian fusion, your yuppie neighborhood has it all. You will never be left wanting or even without new things to try. From interesting ethnic dishes to snobby, dime-sized portions of seared Cthulhu brains at your local patisserie, no one could ever go hungry in a yuppie neighborhood. Unless they are poor, in which case they will definitely starve to death.

    If you are not poor, rejoice. Fanciness awaits. You can also just opt for a decent cheeseburger or salad. There’s plenty of everything. And since many people work from home (AKA at Starbucks with their brand new Macbook Pros), demand fluctuates at an abnormal schedule. What I mean is that most places are open late, and there’s at least three places that will deliver almost whatever you want, foodwise, 24/7. The diners take care of every type of food imaginable, and the deli is there for all your stoner binge needs (cookies, cakes, baking supplies, chocolates, chips, sodas).


    Cons: The Food

    Unless you’re raking in the duckets like that cartoon duck on that cartoon about ducks who play hockey, prepare to survive on ramen, Doritos and the worst pizza place in the area when living in a yuppie neighborhood. A small bag of chocolates is often $10 and up. But it was hand-picked by organically raised mules in the Himalayas, and will totally cure your cancer.

    Even pizza can reach upwards of $6 a slice; it is not magic but artesan. At the comical border where the yuppie neighborhood faces a towering group of projects across a single street, a turkey sandwich from the corner deli is about $4. Sandwiches a few blocks into the nicer area are undoubtedly made with the same meats and often cost over $6 or $7.

    It’s not just a few dollars here and there. Specialty beer delis sell six packs for up to $30. I guess I don’t really care about beer, making this seem even more ridiculous to me, but I’ve heard many people complain that the prices at the store with the “BEEEEEEEEEER” banner outside are outrageous and much higher than other places they’d been to. There’s a little anecdotal information for you.


    Pros: The People

    There are a lot of them. I guess that makes it less dangerous, though it wasn’t really much more dangerous before it was such a coveted area to live. It was emptier, but no one ever robbed me and I never got any diseases from drinking other people’s discarded drinks that I found on the street.

    I haven’t met many interesting people who live in my neighborhood (who have lived there for less than 20 years), but maybe it’s because I am antisocial and/or don’t have a baby. So I can’t really talk about all the “great people” who live here, though I’m sure there are some. The farmer’s market is pretty nice if you’re into $10 bottles of milk, and that probably wouldn’t come around if it weren’t for all the people and for the type of person they all are.


    Cons: The People

    There are a lot of them. They all have annoying children who are always running around and yelling things and being happy. Sometimes, I see a cute child I don’t mind or even like. Most of the time, I want to punt them into the street. I especially despise babies for their ugliness, uselessness and the amount of room their carriages take up on the street. It’s not like I see one or two babies and fly into a rage, although that would be kind of funny. They’re everywhere.

    Not only are the streets flooded with snot-nosed kids wearing outfits that cost more than my entire life, but there is a plethora of stores touting the most pussified “quirky” and “wacky” clothes to their parents.

    Something just dawned on me. I was going to write “They are not ‘Brooklynites.'” Besides loathing that term, I just realized that they are natives of Brooklyn. They will have grown up here and rightfully tell others that they are “from Brooklyn.”

    So this is what the next generation will have been like. I can only hang my head and wonder why I had to be present for Brooklyn’s Era of Limpwristedness. I’m now the old guy who says “when I was a kid,” but, dude, when I was a kid… it was a little nicer. There was more character. Not just a bunch of goddamn transplants moving in and turning everything into a circus of overpriced boring! Now where is my fucking cane?

    Also, fuck the Barclay’s center.

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