Trying to Get Health Insurance Reminds Me Why I Don’t Have Health Insurance

    February 15, 2013 at 4:00 am

    Trying to get health insurance has reminded me why I don’t have health insurance, and why I haven’t had health insurance in four or five years.

    My Heart Sucks

    I was born with a heart murmur. As I’ve gotten older (see: am dying), it’s worsened somewhat and transmogrified into tricuspid regurgitation, which is the vomit-reminiscent term for saying that the valves in my heart don’t close properly, causing the blood to leak backwards.

    This is why I need a health insurance that covers pre-existing conditions; it’s pretty pointless to pay almost $200 a month, which was the lowest quote I could find for the most basic healthcare plan, when I’ll be forced to pay for any EKGs, heart monitors, or other heart-related tests I need out of pocket. Because they’re expensive and I’m not Beyonce. Not being Beyonce means a few things:

    – America doesn’t really care if I live or die.
    – I can’t insure my legs for millions of dollars.
    – Health care is subjectively very expensive while managing to also be somewhat useless.

    Blue Cross

    Blue Cross was the first health care provider I checked out. In order for them to cover any pre-existing conditions I might have, I would need to pay for their basic health care package for a year before qualifying. At $184 per month, this plan is already bullshit; it provides only the bare minimum. Routine checkups are the only kind of doctors appointments which are covered, and only generic “WalMart” (their words) medications are available for something like $4. If you need anything else, they offer a complimentary “go fuck yourself” which will leave you wondering why you’re paying a monthly stipend for something that would cost you ten times less if you simply didn’t have insurance.

    Once the year is up, congratulations! You’re now eligible to enroll in their “Be Rich or Die Slow” plan, which covers all your pre-existing condition’s needs for a mere $1500 per month.

    It also doesn’t help that their customer service operators are clearly reading every answer from a guidebook, meaning that all of your questions will be followed by long pauses as the employee frantically searches for your answer and then robotically recites it back to you.

    Pre-Existing Condition Insurance

    This is part of “Obamacare” which isn’t actually called “Obamacare” at all but “The NY Bridge Plan” and something else I don’t remember. This type of insurance, offered by the federal government, is meant for those who have a pre-existing condition that needs to be covered. Thank you baby Jesus. Or Obama. Whatever.

    This type of insurance is about $400 per month. It covers both basic doctors appointments and special visits, including any emergency visits or tests that one may need. There is no deductible and medications are free.

    But nothing in life is really free, because there is a maze of bureaucracy one must navigate to obtain this type of insurance. Which I am not complaining about, because this is the fraud deterrent. However, I hope that all the people out there who need this type of insurance and don’t know how to navigate the internet have someone there to assist them.

    And on that note, a lot of people can’t even afford $400 a month. They would literally prefer to die of whatever is ailing them. It’s more affordable.

    Please Don’t Yell at Me

    If you work at a health insurance company, I understand why you hate your job. But please do not yell at me or other customers asking questions. I did not ask you to do the job. I’m just doing my job, as a consumer and a person who needs health insurance, by asking you questions about coverage and stuff like that. Don’t get mad at me because you don’t know the answer to something or think I’m being tedious. Your job is to put up with me. But you probably don’t get paid too excellently, otherwise you would feel that refraining from yelling is one of your responsibilities, which you obviously don’t.

    Still, I don’t think you’re supposed to yell at people and if yelling at people is how¬† you deal with your own misery then you are in for some serious life-long sore throats. Because working in the call center for Blue Cross probably sucks balls.


    After finding out how expensive it is to merely try and stay alive, getting yelled at by two separate people at two separate people for asking simple questions about the type of healthcare plans offered by a particular company, learning that I would have to deal with a mountain of paperwork and faxes before hoping to receive health insurance in, like, March, and daydreaming about the team of sweet grade-A doctors I would have scrambling to stab me in the heart with a rainbow made of stem cells if I were worth a few million dollars, I sat and reflected on how truly compassionless we are as a society. And then I put on some emo music and wrote this whiny article about it.

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