4 Crazy Conspiracy Theorists

    February 8, 2013 at 4:00 am

    Ever wanted to know what’s really inside the moon, or what God’s predictions for the next election are? These four crazy conspiracy theorists will tell you. Wait, come back! They have important information that God wants you to know, all for the low, low price of $49.99.

    David Icke

    David Icke is king of the reptilian conspiracy theories (Obama? Secret reptile. Prince Charles? Reptile. Stanley Kubrick? Dead reptile) He’s written 19 books and gives lectures on his secret wisdom to sold out stadiums worldwide. Once a television presenter, Icke became a scary blonde Jesus when a psychic told him that he had been put in this crazy world to spread messages that would soon be sent to him from the spirit world. Seriously, psychics, these are vulnerable people you are reading for, can you not play pranks on them?

    He began making vague and obvious predictions about the future of the world, like claiming to have some sort of special knowledge about tsunamis and earthquakes that would prove devastating. Of course, Icke didn’t know where these natural disasters would occur; when his theories “came true,” he was able to take the credit.

    When Icke did get specific, i.e. claiming that Los Angeles would break off from the rest of the country and float away into the sea, and that New Zealand would cease to exist, he lost a lot of credibility. This was obviously due to mind-control, and Icke blamed some higher power for taking control of his body and forcing him to inaccurately predict the end of the world.

    But there’s still no shortage of fools who eat up Icke’s theories about reptilian robots controlling the governments of the world, and the moon being a hollow army base from within which the earth is controlled.  Icke recently gave an 11-hour lecture to an audience of 5,000 in England. Each member had paid between $50 and $100 to learn his life-saving information that he was destined to charge a moderate fee to share with the world.

    “I am a channel for the Christ spirit. The title was given to me very recently by the Godhead.”

    Alex Jones

    Sorry, Alex Jones, but everything about you has grown downright absurd.

    Alex Jones used to be somewhat credible, like that time he… I’m actually not really sure anymore. Lately, he accuses the government of planning and executing every negative event in America from the Sandy Hook shooting to Hurricane Sandy to his own sandy crack. According to Jones, America is a police state or soon to be one (which is not far from the truth), the government is going to enslave and then murder you (not so sure about that one), and David Icke is a reliable person who you should listen to, albeit partially (this last one cost Jones the last shreds of his believability.)

    Alex Jones recently made a YouTube video to act as insurance; he believes that the US government has a hit out on him, and wants the public to know that if a so-called “crackhead” murdered him, it would really be the secretive work of a CIA operative disguised in banana peel shoes and a garbage bag suit.

    He also believes that the government is trying to encourage homosexuality in the hopes that people will have less children, and that Obama is attempting to turn America into a tyrannical nightmare reminiscent of Nazi Germany.


    David Irving

    David Irving is really, really fixated on trying to convince the world that the Holocaust never happened. He spent 35 years of his life writing his “flagship,” a book called Hitler’s War.

    Despite the mountainous quantity of evidence proving that this horrific event was unfortunately very real, Holocaust deniers like David Irving continue to insist that the Holocaust is completely fabricated by the Soviet communists and the Jews to further their own interests.

    The argument of most Holocaust deniers amounts to watching your friend beat up another kid at school and later claiming that the victim’s statement is unreliable because the antagonist didn’t sign a statement admitting his bullying. Since there’s no ‘Holocaust outline’ or official document signed by Hitler which approves of the Holocaust, Holocaust deniers claim it never happened.

    David Irving, now 75 years old, has been fined for claiming that the gas chambers never existed, and jailed for asserting that the Jews were the driving force behind the “myth” that was the Holocaust. Although his ban from Germany has since been lifted, he’s still barred from entering Australia, Canada, and South Africa because of his offensive lunacy. His ridiculous theories make him one of the craziest conspiracy theorists alive today.

    Without Hitler, the State of Israel probably would not exist today. To that extent he was probably the Jews’ greatest friend.

    Pat Robertson

    Pat Robertson is a crazy conspiracy theorist who is not only convinced of government plots that live only inside his head, but that God frequently whispers predictions about the future into his hairy old ear — none of which ever come true. God is such a prankster sometimes.

    Robertson is a media mogul most famously responsible for founding ABC Family Channel and The Christian Broadcasting Network, but the list goes on and on. He was the host of the Christian show the 700 Club, where he spouted claims about when and where the impending apocalypse would take place. At least he was in favor or legalizing marijuana and saw the detrimental effects that jailing adolescents over a gram of weed had on their lives and society in general. Or maybe not, is it good or bad when a crazy nutjob endorses a solid idea?

    Sound like a reasonable guy? Robertson also announced the coming of a tsunami on America’s coastline in 2006, claimed the end of the world would occur in 1982, predicted a terrorist attack on America in 2007 (“The Lord didn’t say nuclear, but I believe it will be something like that”), and said that Americans would turn to socialism in 2009. Obviously, none of these things ever came to fruition and Robertson has somewhat faded into obscurity where he belongs.

    “You need to make yourself as attractive as possible [to your husband] and don’t hassle him about it […] A woman came to a preacher that I know, and she was awful looking. I mean, her hair was all torn up and she was overweight and looked terrible, clothes bad and everything. And she said, ‘Oh, Reverend, what can I do? My husband has started to drink.’ And the preacher looked at her and said, ‘Madam, if I was married to you I’d start to drink too.’ We need to cultivate romance, darling! … You always have to keep that spark of love alive. It just isn’t something to just lie there, ‘Well, I’m married to him so he’s got to take me slatternly looking.’ You’ve got to fix yourself up, look pretty.”

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