5 Expensive and Useless Apps for iPhone, iPad and Android

    January 23, 2013 at 4:00 am

    Ever think to yourself, “Man, all this money is soo cumbersome. What kind of poor investment can I make to show other people how fucking stupid I am?”

    Yeah, me neither. Here are five incredibly useless and expensive apps for the rich and the ridiculous: 

    QSFFStats -$1000

    Flag Football iphone app

    An app for football lovers, QSFFStats does for a thousand dollars what you could probably do on paper (or in Excel) for free. QSFFStats is an extremely expensive — and extremely useless — app that keeps track of all your favorite NFL stars’ stats. Oh, and it’s for flag football, whatever that is. It even has a “Flag Football Kings,” just guaranteeing a maximum amount of lameness for this $1000 obscure sports app.

    The only difference between flag football and “tackle football” is that flag football replaces tackling with a “capture the flag” tactic which involves simply removing the flag from an opposing player’s belt line (when he or she has the ball). QFFStats allows hands-off pussies everywhere to enter themselves into the app for comparison with professional flag football players.


    I am Rich – $1000

    I am Rich iPhone App

    Apple has since removed the ever-useless “I am Rich” app which was almost entirely featureless. Opening the app would display a black screen with a tiny red gem in the center, all for only a thousand dollars.

    The app was described by its creators as “[A] red icon on your iPhone or iPod always [reminding] you (and others when you show it to them) that you were rich enough to afford this. It’s a work of art with no hidden function at all.”

    Except officiating the buyer as a Total Douchebag.

    Eight outstanding gentlemen (or women) bought this app before Apple was like, “LOL no” and pulled it off the market.


    I’m Rich Man – $199.00

    I am a rich man iPhone app

    The grammatically shitty I’m Rich Man is an almost $200 app that is as useless as it is expensive. Similar to I am Rich, I’m Rich Man displays a picture of two gold bars on your screen and — no, that’s it.

    “Prove to everybody that you know a lot about money!” Boasts the description page. If you buy this app, ten third-world children instantly die of starvation.


    Most Expensive App – $200

    Most Expensive iPhone App
    Continuing the trend of “Look How Rich and Wasteful I am, I Surely Possess an Extremely Large Penis” apps, Most Expensive App is touted as “A proof-of-concept app, which has been assigned the highest price possible for an APK on the Android market […] [It] doesn’t actually do anything. So don’t be disappointed if you install it and nothing happens.”

    There have been over ten installs since it’s release date, surely by ten or more friends who gather together over cocktails made from the blood of endangered animals, served by slave-children, and lie all of their phones side by side while displaying this app at the highest brightness.


    Becker’s 2011 CPA Mobile Flashcards for iPad – $299.00

    becker iPhone
    Want to fulfill your thrilling dreams of becoming a Certified Public Accountant? Becker’s 2011 CPA Mobile Flashcards for iPad is a completely useless, overpriced app that allows you to use your iPad as flashcards to help you with your studying.

    If you aren’t a sloth, you can simply make your own flashcards by hand — the practice of which would help you with studying and memorization a lot more than downloading an app — you could use the almost three hundred dollars to:

    – Take yourself and a few friends to Six Flags.
    – Go to Atlantic City and gamble all your money away.
    – Purchase several lap dances and/or a cheap(ish) hooker.
    – Go sky diving.
    – Pay for three therapy sessions.

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