5 Reasons Why I Got the Super-Flu

    January 17, 2013 at 4:00 am

    I got the super flu. H1N1 has apparently leveled up to H1N3, and now I have it too. Here are five reasons why I got the flu even though I was all “I’m not gonna get the flu.”

    Sorry, mom.


    My mom has been sending me at least two daily “get the flu shot” texts for the past month. This picture is just the end of it. And it was only the end because I actually did get the flu, so “get the flu shot” texts transformed into “Why did you want to get sick? Did you WANT to get sick? Are you eating and drinking?” messages. I guess I kind of did want to get the super-flu.

    “I’m not worried about it,” she said nonchalantly, “I got my flu shot in September.”

    Most of the people I know did not get the flu shot, and most of them got the flu. Now I’m one of them.


    The trains


    The trains are a filthy place. I didn’t touch anyone on the train, but I did take the train multiple times leading up to my sickness. I didn’t even see anyone particularly sick on the train, but one can only assume that everyone on the train is a filthy, germ-harvesting monster.

    The poles are especially bad, being groped by all those sweaty, slimy hands. I bite my nails. This could be why I got the super-flu, or why I gave everyone else the super-flu.

    Emo show

    emo super flu

    The emo show gave me the flu. Possibly. Not only did I share my Sunny-D-and-vodkas with two other people, but I shared cigarettes with strangers and even kissed some random boy. The next day, I felt a little sick. The day after that, I felt really sick.

    But the possibilities are endless, since the flu can lie dormant in a person up to a week before he or she comes down with the fever of death. All those filthy emo kids could have exacerbated my illness, but they were probably only a small fraction of the cause; other factors from that night surely added to the issue. The other reasons why I probably got the super-flu that night were:

    – Hours earlier, I had gotten a new tattoo on my arm. So as not to disturb it, I wore my jacket on one side only.
    – It was raining. A lot.
    – I peed behind a discarded Christmas tree in the street, under the freezing rain, with half a jacket on and all my junk flapping around like pancakes in the freezing wind.
    – Alcohol. But that’s a whole different section.


    Weed, Alcohol, and Burger King

    burger king

    I haven’t exactly been taking care of myself. My roommate bought a vaporizer (and hopefully won’t get sick as he is vacationing in Mexico and that would Mexisuck), which we smoked profusely during the past week. And what’s Donkey Kong on the Wii without bong rips? What’s David Attenborough’s series on Africa without a joint marathon?

    I got drunk at my friend’s birthday party. I got drunk at the emo show. I’m sure those aren’t the only two times I got drunk, but who remembers? I’m not counting anymore. I don’t really look at binges as reasons why I got the super-flu, but rather reasons why I didn’t get my stab on.

    After the emo show, I went to Burger King and ordered everything off the value menu, a large cheesy tots and a philly chicken sandwich. Why did I do this? I never go to Burger King. It’s literally been years since I have eaten there or at any other fast food restaurant. It’s because, after all the dads had carted away their underage emo children, the rest of us schlubs stood around taking shots and arguing about which fast food chain was best to indulge in whilst drunk.

    I even called my roommate to help me make the final decision; I reasoned that if he declined the offer of Burger King, I wouldn’t go at all.

    “They have a value menu? Get me five things. That’s a great deal.”

    There was no turning back.


    Sick People Everywhere

    sick people super flu

    A family friend was staying on my couch for almost a week. The night she left, she got the flu. One of my best friends got it soon after, warning me that he was just hanging out with six other people that are frequently lounging around in my house. Almost everyone I know either has or has gotten the flu. Except my mom. Moms are definitely not the reason I got the super-flu.

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