10 Reasons the Ocean is Terrifying

    December 28, 2012 at 4:00 am

    We present these 10 reasons the ocean is terrifying as a warning to all. A vast and mysterious abyss of monstrous wildlife and hellish atmospheres, the ocean is scarier than any horror movie or day spent with your surly old grandmother could ever be. The ocean and its frightening contents are so “trill”, as is the scientific term, that the list of reasons explaining why it’s so terrifying reaches into the double digits instead of our usual five.


    Undiscovered Sea Life

    Undiscovered Sea Life

    According to the largest study ever done on the ocean’s biodiversity, up to two thirds of plant and animal species in our oceans are undiscovered. There are still whales, cephalopods (squid, nautilus, octopus, and cuttlefish), invertebrates (worms and krill and other creepy crawlies), reefs, and plants (boooring) to be considered.

    And although 226,000 species have been named and categorized into neat little lists at this point, there are still 65,000 additional specimens sitting around in jars, waiting to be studied and described by scientists. Because of the rigorous process required to name a new species, examining and completing the categorization of just one of the new species can take “years.”

    We really have no idea what the heck is going on down there. Scientists “think” that there are less than one million species in the ocean existing today, which seems like an arbitrary guess when you consider the fact that up to 95% of our oceans are completely unexplored. Chtulhu could be having orgies and/or tea parties with a bunch of razor-toothed mermaids at the bottom of the sea for all we know. In fact, we’re almost sure of it


    Creepy Crawlies Everywhere

    Creepy Crawlie Ocean Creature

    Another reason that the ocean is terrifying is that there are a whole lot of ocean-dwelling creatures that look like they belong in a Hellrasier movie from the 90s.

    Forget about Finding Nemo and Free Willy; melty-faced blob fish, sea snakes with giant fangs, squids with elbows reminiscent of an Aliens flick, poisonous jellyfish, and the hellish skeleton mug of the inappropriately named ‘northern stargazer’ are what you can expect to find when exploring the murky depths of the sea.


    “Uninhabitable” Conditions Where Monsters Thrive

    Sea Ocean Monster

    Except not really, because a lot of these abominations live in areas so deep that it’s extremely difficult for humans to even get to them for short periods of time. And in the terrifying ocean, more depth means more darkness. Monsters, check. Nearly uninhabitable conditions, check. Monsters thriving in said uninhabitable conditions, check. A vast and highly pressurized abyss completely devoid of all light, check. It all makes horrible, horrible sense; the darkest, creepiest, coldest, most dangerous habitat is not only home to nightmarish beasts in horror movies, but in our very own oceans as well.


    Mysterious Abyss

    Mysterious Ocean Abyss

    We have many more reasons the ocean is terrifying. Let’s revisit the idea that up to 95% of the ocean is completely unexplored. What’s in there? Surely a lot of sunken treasure and the ghouls that guard it. If there are so many frightening things that we do know about, logic dictates that there must be even scarier things living in the places we don’t know about — places which are surely even less inhabitable than the so-called uninhabitable environments housing the mutants we’ve already discovered.


    Land-Walking Octopus is Coming for You

    That octopus is walking on land, and it’s only cute because he’s so small. a 30-foot-tall land-stomping octo-beast would illicit screams of horror instead of ‘Aww’ and ‘Oh, that’s weird.’ Giant squid (I know squids are not the same as octopi so don’t even start) sightings have been recorded for hundreds of years. Do you think those people were just making stuff up?

    The largest squid ever seen was recorded as being 59 feet long and weighing almost a ton. That’s 2,000 pounds. Some cars don’t even weigh that much. This giant squid was merely sighted; they’re hard to study in the wild since they live in such hellish conditions that it’s nearly impossible for humans to get down there and study (or spear, as we do most things) them.

    Just this month, The Discovery Channel announced that they had obtained footage of a giant squid creeping around its natural habitat (the terrifying ocean) and would release it in January 2013, if the things don’t rise up and stomp us all into oblivion before then. After all, squids, octopi, and other cephalopods have been evolving on this planet for over 500 million years. They must know something we don’t, especially since many squids communicate with color and shapeshifting methods that sound just a little too much like wizardry.


    Ancient Sea Monsters be Real, Yo

    Ancient ocean animals

    Just look at the above image of an ancient sea whale with enormous vampire fangs. Scientists named it ‘Leviathan.’ I don’t even have anything good to say about that; the name ‘Leviathan’ speaks for itself. Gigantic, murderous, and terrifying, Leviathan was over 55 feet long and likely preyed on other whales over 12 million years ago.

    Leviathan wasn’t alone. There were pliosaurs, reptiles more terrifying than if the alligators from Lake Placid were real, measuring up to 55 feet and devouring ancient versions of dolphins and other sea creatures about 150 million years ago.

    It’s been a few minutes since then. We should be safe, right, safe from the terrifying ocean?

    Not even a little bit. Cephalopods have survived for over 500 million years. No one is safe. There have even been multiple cases of prehistoric sharks washing up from the unchartered nightmareland that is our deep, dark oceans. These prehistoric sharks only come to the surface because they’re in a dying stupor and can’t help it. Just think of all the ancient creatures who want to stay “extinct” in our eyes.


    Underwater Volcanoes

    Undersea Volcano
    It’s not just sea beasts we have to be afraid of. Our terrifying oceans are full of volcanoes — so many that 75% of the earth’s magma output is thanks to these underwater time bombs. Since studying these volcanoes, called submarine volcanoes, is so dangerous, it’s usually done via remote vehicles, also known as “There’s no way in hell I’m going near that thing; send a robot.”

    There have been cases of unknown underwater volcanoes going “surprise!” and exploding to randomly kill island-dwelling folk nearby. Submarine volcanoes can also cause tsunamis, either by erupting or collapsing. According to scientists, the Marsili volcano in Europe (the continent’s largest) may crumble at any time and send devastating tsunamis sweeping over Italy. Another disaster-waiting-to-happen of this type exists off the Carribean and New Zealand.




    While submarine volcanoes are worrisome when it comes to considering a ton of murky water rushing into your town and sweeping away your entire family, earthquakes are the main cause of tsunamis. The onset of a tsunami is so sudden and violent that many people don’t have a chance to take cover before they are swallowed up by the cold and unforgiving waters. It sounds like an R.L. Stine story, only creepier because you’re a grown-ass adult now. And it’s totally real.

    Japan’s most recent serious tsunami was caused by a 9.03 magnitude earthquake off the coast of Japan on March 11, 2011. The “megathrust earthquake” occurred 20 miles beneath the terrifying ocean’s surface and sent 133-foot-high waves crashing over the island Honshu, killing almost 16,000 people and ravaging the nuclear power plant at Fukishima, causing all the selfish Californians to freak out about the radioactivity of their sushi.


    Lost at Sea

    Lost in the ocean

    The  terrifying oceans make up 71% of the earth’s surface. Good luck being discovered in your crappy little boat on territories vastly uncharted, mostly unvisited, and sometimes ‘passed over’ by boats of business and pleasure.

    Cases of people lost at sea for 51 days and even 15 weeks have been recorded. Some survive upwards of a week without water under the scorching sun, but many never come back at all.


    So you want to take a nice little fishing trip with your friend. The weather suddenly turns, and your dinghy is washed out to sea. No one knows you’re out there. You have no form of communication between yourself and the outside world. Sharks are circling beneath you. Not the prehistoric, dying kind, but the young ones with sharp teeth and big appetites. Beneath them, who knows what awaits? You’re scared that some Kraken or Leviathan type beast might rise up and swallow you whole. Above, below, and in every direction in front of you lies miles of nothingness. Just when you think a distant cargo ship, gigantic and looming only a mile or so away, might spot you, an underwater earthquake occurs and creates a tsunami which slams the both of you into the wall of some building a few thousand miles away.

    Just kidding; that’s now how tsunamis work. It would have passed right under you, leaving you completely unharmed. What really happens is that a submarine volcano explodes and shoots you two hundred feet into the air along with every creature that was dwelling around it twenty miles beneath the surface. As you are temporarily suspended in midair, floating amongst the pumice and blobs of half-formed pillow lava, Cthulhu reaches out with one giant claw and slam dunks your entire boat into his mouth before diving back into the beautiful and mysterious depths of our seas. The end.

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