5 Other Apocalypses That Didn’t Happen (Besides the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse)

    December 21, 2012 at 6:11 am

    Today is December 21st, 2012, the date many are predicting holds the Mayan 2012 Apocalypse. an international day of doom and panic for some, just another excuse to get wasted and act like a jerk for others. Here are five other apocalypses that were as fake as the Mayan 2012 apocalypse, or as fake as Obama’s tears:



    Way before the internet or the Mayan 2012 apocalypse was around to help spread fear, lies, and panic, a lot of Europeans vehemently believed that the end of the world would come to pass in the year 999 or 1000. This was based on the fact that…

    Just kidding. This idea didn’t come from the Bible but from a bunch of fanatics deciding that one millennium after Christ’s birth would be a pretty badass time for him to come back and start vacuuming people up into the sky. Predictions across the continent varied but always involved a lot of hellfire and screaming.

    Mass hysteria in 998 ensued. People were confessing their sins and infidelities to one another, forgiving debts, and acting suspiciously kind and honest. Prisoners were released and executions were cancelled.

    Writer John MacKay documented his observations of the God-fearing panickers, noting that people were flocking to the north in groups and could often be seen cowering in fear during thunderstorms.

    999 arrived and tensions grew even higher. A lot of dumbasses killed themselves because they were too impatient to wait for Jesus to show up. And in the end of December, hysteria blossomed into the form of droves of freed farm animals, and bakeries and markets giving away their entire inventories.

    Nothing happened except for the mass confusion of a lot of people who had flayed themselves, ruined their businesses and marriages, and basically uprooted their entire lives because of a superstitious fantasy.




    “‘Puters don’t recognize the year 2000, so at the end of 1999 every clock and ‘puter in the dang ole world is gonna crash and ruin everything for everyone!”

    But most companies updated their software to fix this glitch before it could happen. Compared to the catastrophe some were expecting, only a handful of computers malfunctioned on January 1st, 2000, and no one went crazy or died.

    Except for the two babies who were aborted after a glitchy computer falsely diagnosed them with down syndrome (Source: some website). 152 other babies were also incorrectly diagnosed, but they made the cut.

    Some totally harmless nuclear stuff happened in Japan (such as a false alarm sounding), a few Australian bus ticket validation machines crashed, along with some slot machines in Delaware, and some online weather maps displayed the wrong date for a day. It was truly a terrifying day for humanity.


    Harold Camping is a Clown

    Harold Camping

    Harold Camping has spent a significant amount of time and money trying to tell people how and when the world is going to end. Since the mid-nineties, Camping has been telling people about the day the world would end.

    Then the other day the world would end, since his first prediction was wrong. And then the next day that the world would totally really end, since his second prediction was also wrong. And then a third day. And then a fourth.

    Camping published books, rented billboards, and repeatedly talked to the press to promote his ideas about the end times. When his predictions were incorrect, his company refused to return money donated by his followers because “We’re not at the end. Why would we return it?”

    He suffered a stroke in June 2011, but survived to see the end of the world not happen on his chosen date of October 21st, 2011.


    Jehovah’s Witnesses in 1975

    Jehovahs witnesses 1975

    According to Jehovah’s Witnesses, 1975 would mark the 6000-year anniversary of man’s creation. They said it would be “appropriate” for Christ to show up and start karate chopping people in the neck in Autumn of that year, but Jesus apparently did not agree.

    A lot of people got baptized beforehand and then proceeded to bail out of the religion entirely when the world kept on keeping on after the fall of 1975.


    Jim Jones and the Jonestown Massacre

    Jim Jones

    Infamous cult leader Jim Jones lead 914 of his followers to their deaths after convincing everyone to drink cyanide. And by “convincing,” I mean “forcing,” since over 200 of those killed were children. There also exists a disturbing 45-minute audio recording of the suicides in progress, during which you can hear the wails and protests of many of his followers-turned-victims.

    Jones believed a nuclear holocaust was going to occur in 1967. So much for that.


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