Creative Ways to Spread Your Christmas Grumpiness

    December 17, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Bah, humbug, this year is the time to find creative ways to spread your Christmas grumpiness. My family used to have amazing, wholesome Christmases full of shiny new material possessions and genuine happiness. Then a bunch of them died, traumatizing myself and the rest of the survivors. Instead of being honest about how sad this makes me, I just pretend that I despise everything about the holiday season and try to spread my grumpiness around as much as possible. You, too, can ruin the spirit of Christmas for others. Here’s how:

    Verbalize Your Misery

    Santa Mad

    Every time someone mentions doing anything Christmas-y, liking Christmas, wanting a Christmas tree, enjoying decorations, having to go shopping, or anything at all to do with the holiday, I make sure to tell them “Man, I hate Christmas.” There is no better way to create an awkward moment than by expressing your disdain for something another person has literally just expressed their fondness of.

    Other neat phrases include but are not limited to “Fuck Christmas,” “Christmas sucks,” “I can’t wait for this shit to be over,” and “What a stupid holiday, Christmas sure makes me think of creative ways to spread my Christmas grumpiness!”

    Although they may not agree with you, the other participant in this conversation will probably hesitate to verbalize their dissension. A scrooge is a real turn-off, and no one wants to engage in a heated debate about a holiday based on being as happy as possible (or at least pretending to be).

    Offensive Lights Display

    Christmas Lights Middle Finger

    Sarah Henderson hates her neighbors so much that instead of decorating her house with cheery elves and rosy-faced Santa Claus’, she fashioned a giant middle finger out of Christmas lights and displayed it on her roof for them to see. The police were called and she was threatened with fines, so she took it down. However, Henderson doesn’t give a care. She’s now considering a swastika lights display in protest. You go, girl, except we recommend a symbol of hate that’s more recent, like a boy scout uniform.

    Even if you only have an apartment, you too can concoct offensive decorations to ruffle the feathers of your Christmas-loving neighbors. You probably shouldn’t go as far as to blatantly spell out “fuck you” in the lights in your window (only because it’s illegal — free speech ain’t free), but you sure can buy that spray-on snow and draw an elf stabbing Santa inside the frostiness. Get a little plastic Santa, poke his eyes out, put red lights inside, draw upside-down crosses on his head, and then hang him out your window with a little noose. But hey, don’t rip my house off; come up with your own ideas.

    Bad(ass) Santa

    Bad Santa

    Some guy was arrested at a Canadian Christmas parade for dressing up as Santa, proceeding to get wasted and telling lots of kids that the mythical being doesn’t exist in foul-mouthed rants. Do this. Please do this. Spread the Christmas grumpiness in a creative way.

    Don’t even wait for a parade. Just put a shitty costume together and hit the streets. Go to Macy’s and sit in the ‘real’ Santa’s seat when he takes a cigarette break. Sit on the side of the street with a giant, fake boner in your pants and a sign offering people (adults only; don’t get weird about it) a seat on your lap and a photo for $10.

    Go home in your shitty costume and make a bunch of foul-mouthed videos about Santa eating the souls of children who are bad. Upload them to YouTube as response videos to Disney songs and clips of kid’s shows.


    Preachy, Preachy

    Preachy Christmas

    Your friend mentions buying a tree. Tell them how many trees are cut down each year just so a bunch of idiots can put one inside the house for a month before throwing it in the trash. Your friend needs to go shopping. Tell them where every product they need to buy comes from and how it was probably made by slaves. Nike? Slaves. H&M? Slaves. Apple products? Slaves.

    Shoot down every Christmas idea with an irrefutable argument as to why whatever they want to do is awful and supportive of evil practices. Gingerbread house? So unhealthy. Candy canes? High fructose corn syrup. Making paper snowflakes? What a waste of paper!

    Basically, look like a total jerk until you are proven completely right and Christmas is BANNED!





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