5 Crazy Conspiracy Theories About Obama

    December 7, 2012 at 4:31 am

    5 crazy conspiracy theories about Obama: Our president is a gay, orgy-having, mother-killing, Russia-loving, flag-hating, Bin Laden-befriending reptilian. I can prove it; just look at this pixelated YouTube video. I recorded it using my old webcam! You can clearly see him flipping America off with his third eye.


    Obama is a Reptilian Shapeshifter

    Reptilian Obama

    There are over 6,000 YouTube results for “Obama Reptilian,” and just as many crazy conspiracy theories about Obama being an actual reptilian. Most of them are from people who have filmed their televisions using a shitty old video camera and are scrutinizing the imperfections that happen when you film your television with a shitty old video camera. Pixelated images, interruptions in satellite signal, and distorted pictures are all played and replayed in slow-motion as evidence of “morphing.” Somehow, evidence of this is only captured on low-quality YouTube videos while millions of Americans sitting in real audiences or watching on their HDTVs remain oblivious.

    Thousands of people actually believe that there are a number of reptilian humanoids, including Obama and his wife, in political power today. One of them is David Icke, a person who has made millions off his “”””knowledge”””” of reptilians and other conspiracy theories. There are not enough quote marks in the world to emphasize how full of shit he is, but somehow, stadiums fill up with people who actually pay to listen to him talk about how the moon is a hollowed-out rock being occupied by mind controlling reptilian evildoers. When asked where he learned of this, he sort of chalks it up to a dream or a vision or some equally absurd outright lie.

    <a href=”http://www.thewatcherfiles.com/exposing_reptilians.htm“>Here</a> is a list of Real Life Reptilians that is sure to make your eyes bleed with a color scheme straight out of a 13-year-old goth kid’s bedroom.

    The credibility of this theory can be summed up by one YouTube member’s expert testimony on a video of Michelle Obama ‘shapeshifting’:

    “I’m not doubting that she is, but to me, in this vid, it looks more like spit between the teeth, than a tooth morph.”



    Someone Told Me He Was Grown From Stem Cells on the Moon From Bush Family Line

    Obama stem cells moon

    No, seriously, this is one of the crazy conspiracy theories about Obama. Someone who was not on drugs or suffering from a mental illness looked me straight in the eye and told me this. When I kept asking them where they learned this inside information from, they alluded to David Icke and mumbled something about “various documentaries.” When I pressed further, he seemed to get offended and went on to tell me how he would one day be a member of the Illuminati and a very powerful, threatening person.

    I pretty much assumed that he had been bullied a lot in high school and was just desperately trying to find a way to feel important, but come on. The moon? Why would anyone need to transport stem cells all the way to the moon? Couldn’t we have just grown an Obama in an underground chamber beneath the White House? Was that not futuristic enough for America?


    He’s a Gay Homo

    Obama is gay

    This crazy conspiracy theory about Obama might be true, but who fucking cares? Some old (probably gay) guy in Chicago wrote about how Obama is totally a closeted homosexual. A gossip (how credible) columnist named Kevin DuJan alleged that Obama was “well known” in the gay bar scene of Chicago for 25 years and preferred “older white guys.”

    Obama is accused of being “not heterosexual and not bisexual [but] homosexual.”

    Ex-National Security Agency employee Wayne Madsen came out to support DuJan’s claims, saying that it was “common knowledge” that Obama is a total homo.

    How cool would it be if Obama were really gay? And if he were, like, “Hey guys, you already re-elected me, so I now feel a little more comfortable telling you that I am gay and Michelle is only my BFF.” That would totally rule. It will probably not happen.



    Obama Dang Ole Immigrant

    Beware Barack HUSSEIN Obama, the secret Muslim with a nose job and a fake birth certificate who wrote anti-semitic poetry and was fathered by Malcolm X! Proof of this crazy conspiracy theory about Obama can be found… nowhere.

    Donald Trump, America’s favorite idiot, famously said “Show me the birth certificate!” And a million fat jerks cried out in support. Even homo-hating Chuck Norris wrote Obama a passive aggressive letter to Obama wishing him a happy birthday and expressing his understanding at “[the] American public voicing that constitutionally based grievance with someone in your esteemed position […] Refusing to post a copy of your original birth certificate is an unwire political and leadership decision that is enabling the birther controversy.” Then his beard parted and a fist sprung forth, knocking Obama all the way to Jupiter [source needed].

    A before-and-after picture of Obama apparently shows that he had a nose job, which gets another great big “who cares?” from me. Two “surgery experts” looked at some photographs, all taken from different angles, and decided that Obama has had cosmetic surgery to change the shape of his nose.





    Obama Engineered Hurricane Sandy Because he is a Witch

    Obama Caused hurricane sandy

    Some people actually believe the crazy conspiracy about that says he engineered hurricane Sandy to secure his re-election. Alex Jones’ sadly self-discrediting InfoWars posted a story about it, as did The Intel Hub and Confearacy Newz, whose title doesn’t exactly inspire feelings of trust.

    HAARP, the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program, is allegedly Santa’s helper in this case. HAARP, managed by the US Air Force and US Navy, is able to scatter GPS signals and radio waves on such a large scale that it can effect the communication abilities of the entire world. It can also, to some extent, influence the weather. Therefore, Obama.

    The geniuses at InfoWars said that “[Sandy] will undoubtedly produce widespread chaos and present an ideal opportunity for Obama to come off as a strong and decisive leader.” No shit. So did 9/11 and Katrina, both ‘ideal opportunities’ and tests which Bush completely failed.

    The weather is Obama’s fault (because he is a lizard-man), global warming isn’t real (where’s its birth certificate?!), and homosexual Muslims now rule America. All hope has been lost.


    Speak Your Mind
    Tell us what you're thinking... and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!