5 Real Fight Clubs

    December 6, 2012 at 4:30 am

    These 5 real fight clubs are intense! Dude, did you hear about that Chinese guy who kept women in his Dungeon Death Chamber of Death and forced them to fight one another… to the death? He’s inspired me to tell you about five totally real fight clubs that really existed, like, in real life.

    Chinese Ring Master

    Fight Club

    Li Hao comes first. He’s only 35 and was recently caught housing six slaves (two of which were found dead) in a basement dungeon which he built himself in 2009. Hao found his captives at nightclubs and karaoke bars. He would lure them back to his house and trap them in his dungeon, where he enslaved them as prostitutes, webcam girls and rape victims, as well as members of a real fight club.

    Hao was only discovered after one of the victims, a 23-year-old, escaped Martyrs style and alerted police to his wacky antics. The newest victim had been there for two months, and the oldest 21 months. Two of them were dead upon discovery, as Hao had forced them to ‘fight to the death’ with the other women.

    On the outside, Hao lead a normal life. He was employed by his city’s technological supervision bureau, and was married with a young child.


    Babysitting Can be Boring

    Babysitting Fight Club

    But not if you’re the three fatties who were in charge of running Hands of Our Future Daycare in Dover, Delaware. Tiana Harris, 19, Lisa Parker, 47, and Estefania Myers, 21, were caught forcing the toddlers in their care to fist fight one another in organized battles when a video of the fighting emerged on the internet.

    “He’s pinching me!” Cried one of the fighting children in the clip, filmed on a cell phone. “No pinching, only punching,” one of the workers can be heard responding from the background. When one crying child tries to quit the fight, he’s pushed back into the brawl by one of the iron-fisted employees.

    There’s a joke about fist-fighting toddlers indubitably and literally being the “Hands of Our Future,” and I think I just made it, but I’m too caught up dreaming about breeding just for the purpose of owning a brutal mini-me to know or care. Real fight clubs do that to a person.



    Knuckle is the name of a documentary you should watch. It’s a look into the extremely angry, foul-mouthed world of Irish Traveler bare-knuckle fighting. In this world, many a threatening YouTube video is made. Fighters don’t hesitate to tell other fighters why they are better than them and how they are going to seriously beat them up in a dialect that is not only interesting but hilarious because of how utterly inept most of these individuals are at articulating themselves. Just check out <a href=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nNzv5dKAwM&feature=player_embedded“>this video</a> of two guys who have compiled the best and dumbest fight-threat clips for your viewing pleasure.

    After the YouTube videos comes the fighting. The fighting consists of two burly guys punching each other in the face until one gives up, all whilst being surrounded by a ring of sweatpants-wearing guys who egg them on and simultaneously ensure they are following the few rules such as “no biting.” In Knuckle, there is definitely biting. That’s a real fight club.

    The point of all this fighting is usually “my family is better than your family and remember that time you said a bad thing about my fourth cousin? I’m gonna beat you up!” Except when the fighters turn out to be cousins, and are actually hating on….their…own…families. It doesn’t make sense, but neither does waking up at six AM to pummel the shit out of some guy who had an opinion you didn’t like — family or not.



    Nerd Brawl

    Nerd Fight

    San Francisco was home to a group of tech-employees-by-day, frying-pan-wielding-fighters-by-night. We’d love to see some videos of that nerdy, real fight club.

    Every two weeks, a group of Ivy League degree holding maniacs would get together and beat the absolute shit out of one another with anything from frying pans to pillowcases stuffed with soda cans. Which actually sounds kind of lethal.

    Since the invitation-only fights were taking place on private properties belonging to the members, the local police were unable to stop them. The moment someone complains or is sent to a hospital, however, the jig is up. But despite the broken noses, fingers and ribs that members allegedly suffer after beating one another using only hockey masks and fencing garb to protect themselves, all enjoy this “Gentleman’s fight club” and none have sought professional help.

    “Real-life fight clubs are the male version of the girls who cut themselves,” said a sociology professor at NY’s Stony Brook University regarding the club. That doesn’t actually make sense, however, since the club members were fighting to seem tougher and gain the favor of women, while self-harmers are typically seeking a different kind of attention.



    Standard Fight Club

    Fight Club

    Police found out about a real fight club in Sacramento which was full of adult members who refused to talk about the thing. Snore.

    However, it seems that one of the members pulled a knife and stabbed two other members, which is what got everyone in trouble to begin with. Since everyone is following the first rule of Fight Club, I really have nothing interesting to tell you about this one.



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