5 Reasons Your Purebred Dog Makes You a Shitty Person

    December 5, 2012 at 4:30 am

    Your purebred dog makes you a shitty person, oh yes it does. So you drove to Ohio to spend over a grand on a dog just so you could make an Instagram full of arsty pictures featuring the thing looking thoughtful in different scenic settings. Not only do you lead an uninteresting life full of boring, filtered images that required absolutely zero skill to produce, but you also did the wrong thing. Here is why.

    Pet Slaughter USA

    Poor Dogs

    Let me first hit you with some guilt tripping-ly depressing statistics about the number of adoptable pets who are slaughtered every year simply because no one is coming for them. And no one is coming for them because the people who could be are purchasing purebred dogs for hundreds of dollars instead, supporting the dog-breeding industry and inadvertently contributing to the dying pet problem in the good ole USA.

    About 40% of dogs (in the US) don’t survive their first year with their first owner and are returned to the breeder, abandoned, given to a shelter, or euthanized. (US Humane Society).

    About 25% of dogs in shelters are pure breeds.

    Animal shelters house 6-8 million dogs and cats each year. 3-4 of those animals are euthanized. (US Humane Society).

    A dog given to a kill shelter in NYC has an average of 2-5 days to be adopted before it is put to sleep, regardless of age or temperament.

    In NYC alone, over 4,500 dogs given to shelters were put to death in 2009. (US Humane Society).

    The list of reasons one may surrender a dog up to the shelter is long and varied. From the irresponsible who have underestimated the amount of work owning a dog requires to those who have been laid off or are facing foreclosure, most abandoned dogs are not “bad” or misbehaved. The ages of shelter dogs range from under a month old to over 12 years old. So what makes you a bigger jerk? Researching these statistics before choosing to contribute to the problem, or ignorantly assuming that all shelter animals are somehow damaged before shelling out hundreds for a pure breed?



    But I Wanted a Certain Breed!


    “But the shelter didn’t have any Kooikerhondjes! I would have settled for a Swedish Vallhund, but didn’t know where to find one.”

    As I was typing in “Purebred Dog Breeds” into Google, the second thing that popped up was “List of Pure Breed Chickens,” which just goes to show you how fucking stupid and gullible we all are. An obsession with animal breeds is just another hobby, like spending 10 years customizing your vintage 1985 Jeep CJ7 or filling your garage with toy train tracks which replicate the real ones that run back and forth across Europe. The only difference is that the fat guy hunched over in his garage isn’t harming anyone with his Lego obsession, while those who fawn over specially bred dogs are inadvertently contributing to the deaths of many sad and lonely dogs who would easily do all the things your Cockapoo can. Only probably better, because those little guys are pretty ugly.

    Additionally, there are multiple country-wide rescue organizations which specialize in adopting out certain pure breeds. Greyhound rescues, pug rescues, American bulldog, French bulldog, poodle, labrador, whatever. Many of these niche shelters even have very young dogs available. Or, if you’re feeling really warm and fuzzy, older dogs who have a smaller chance of finding a home because “AWW PUPPIES!”

    If you need a really cool purebred Pudelpointer, do some research before driving cross-country to buy one for $1500. You may be able to help a little fellow, all while staying hip as possible (plus, saving stuff is so in right now).


    You Are Not Cool

    Dog Sandwich

    But that’s another thing. You are not cool. You are not hip. You are not even the slightest bit cooler because you own a purebred dog. Spoiler alert: Your purebred dog makes you a shitty person. The people who think you are cool because of your purebred dog are douchebags, and their approval only makes you one of them. It’s like when everyone started growing shitty mustaches and waxing them into little pube-like curls at the ends. It is not a cool trend, only a sign on your face that says “I am a jerk with no imagination.”

    Unless you had a certain breed growing up and are desperately trying to replace your childhood pet (which you can’t; sorry, it’s dead), purchasing a purebred dog can only be in the sacred name of Coolness.

    Plenty of dogs can do the same tricks your Labradoodle can do, and just because a breed is “known for it’s obedience and friendliness” doesn’t make it more qualified to be a good dog than a total mutt. Although it’s true that different breeds are known to have inherently different temperaments, and a dog’s upbringing greatly effects its personality, a wide variety of breeds share the same traits no matter what you’re looking for.

    Born to be Useless

    Dog PouchSome folks opt to purchase small, useless dogs bred to look like mashed up loaves of bread. From tiny teacup dogs too delicate to blink on their own without receiving eyedrops every three hours to Puggles who sound like they’re incessantly drowning in a sea of their own drool (which they are), these tiny, defenseless dogs are born to die. Short, mushy-faced dogs have breathing problems. Long dogs, like dachshunds, suffer from back problems from the start. Even larger purebred dogs like great danes (who have joint problems) often begin experiencing health issues from a young age.

    Breeders are extremely picky about which dogs get to hump other dogs and produce little dog babies. Only the best purebred dogs that make you look like a shitty person will do. This sometimes results in inbreeding — if not between siblings than between cousins or second cousins. These distant relatives still share common recessive genes, and with their powers combined, the opposite of super-dogs occur: retardo-pups born prone to illnesses and painful physical conditions. Since most breeders are producing litters of aesthetically pleasing animals rather than dogs who serve a purpose such as cattle herding, the health of the specimen will suffer in the name of the Holy Dollar multiplied by how freaking perfectly symmetrical the dog’s spots are.


    1. Rita Morris says:

      Yes, we’ve all had or known mutts that were wonderful “best ever” dogs. But you don’t know that by looking at them.
      You know what I’m saying, you touched on it when you said the only acceptable reason for having a pure bred was that it reminded you of a dog you used to have. That’s breed recognition. Not unlike brand recognition. (Buying the same type of car or computer because you feel you know what to expect.) Different breeds do have different traits.

      You made several valid points about people buying dogs for the wrong reasons. And people who bred for certain traits with disregard for health and longevity should be truly ashamed of themselves.

      Don’t blame purebred lovers for the unwanted dogs in this country. Blame the puppy mills for mass producing them in careless conditions. Blame people who don’t ask perspective puppy buyers about their previous experiences with dogs and offering help and advice. Blame people who get a dog and decide to let her have “just one litter because it will mellow her out”.

      One more thing you might think about. It’s getting harder and harder to find good homes for dogs. More and more people are renting homes or apartments these days. Rentals don’t always allow pets. If they do, there are hefty damage deposits. And look at kids today. Most of them would rather sit on the couch playing video or computer games. Going out to play with the dog means cutting them off from their social networks.

      People willing to pay the price for a purebred have thought about what they’re doing, as opposed to someone who might just pick up a puppy outside the local grocery store because “he’s just too cute.”

      There is a problem with all the unwanted dogs, but don’t start with blaming the purebreds or the people who love them.

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