The 7 Types of People Who Get Tattoos

    November 19, 2012 at 4:30 am

    In their quest to literally brand themselves as original, almost every tattoo recipient puts themselves into a distinct category. Ironic, isn’t it?

    Tribal Kanji Diesel Bro / Cute Butterfly Fairy Tramp Stamp Ho


    Dude, did you see the totally sick lion fighting a dragon in a barbed wire forest of tribal designs that I just got inked across my entire back?

    These people, most easily identified as ‘Guidos’ (even if they aren’t Italian), will find a way to overcompensate with a gigantic tattoo of some snarling, cockeyed creature surrounded by jagged, faded designs that look like they were pulled directly off a K-Mart t-shirt. Their female counterparts may adopt the same background designs, but tend to choose a softer (yet no less cliched) central image such as a butterfly, fairy, or flower.

    This guy enjoys totally-not-gay anal beer bongs at the frat house, tattooing his own name in giant letters across his back, protein shakes with three Five Hour Energy shots dumped inside them, Monster energy chug-fests, and synthetic marijuana. His girlfriend with the tribal butterfly tans four days a week (even if she lives in Florida) and goes to the Olive Garden when she “doesn’t want to eat fast food.”


    A Single Regret

    Regret tattoo

    One tattoo. One regret. Not always, but often, does a person who has but a single tattoo live to regret it. They’re on the fence about getting tattooed. They either think they might want this really symbolic Celtic cross with their dad’s initials under it but can’t tell if it would still be satisfying ten years from now, or get something random and meaningless on impulse. This person loves looking at tattoos on other people and feels a vague, internal pressure to jump on the wagon. A “meaningful” design is chosen, a (usually mediocre) artist is hired, and one random, awkward tattoo is born in what is typically a hidden spot on the body. Since this person was unsure of the tattoo from conception to finish and therefore half-assed everything from the idea to the execution, it will probably get lasered off within the decade. The impulsive person, however, immediately realizes how stupid the mustache on their finger looks and begins panicking within hours.


    Too Cool at 22


    We’re talking about the guy who has full sleeves before the age of 22. They have excluded themselves from tattoos referencing memories made after the age of 22 because there is no room left on their stupid, blurry arms to fit even another tiny star or upside-down cross. They have every $13 dollar tattoo ever doled out on Friday the 13th by every tattoo shop in the city, a tattoo for mom, dad, the dog, the cat, that shitty band they really like, that one time they traveled to another state and got totally drunk, every inside joke and every friend they’ve ever had, and a whole lot of filler such as tiny dots and little triangles. The process of getting covered usually happens in less than a year; there’s no stopping this person on their quest for coolness. They will work their ass off at H&M to afford a tattoo of “whatever the artist wants to do” by some guy with a year-long waiting list and $500/hr rate, but cannot fathom saving up enough money to move out of mom’s basement or purchase a bed frame and stop sleeping on the couch in their best friend’s living room.


    Life as a Novelty


    The Lizard Man. Cat Guy (RIP). Puzzle Dude. People who are people but would like to be something else.


    Jewish But Not That Jewish


    If you tell the Jewish girl with a tattoo of a Jewish star that Jews with tattoos can’t be buried in Jewish cemeteries, her response will probably be, “Yeah, I know, but I’m not that Jewish so I don’t really care.” But I have also heard someone say “I’m just going to get it lasered off before I die.”

    The Catholic who gets a huge cross with a misspelled Bible quote beneath it, on the other hand, is usually completely unaware that Leviticus 19:28 states ‘Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you; I am the Lord’ which is easily interpreted as “Don’t do it, dude.”


    An Owl With a Monocle and a Top Hat


    Ha-ha, that’s so quirky and weird and funny and cute and zany and original! You’re such a wacky guy, Brent!

    I hate the word ‘hipster’ but don’t have a better term for people who latch onto the newest, most ironic trend and get an image of it permanently stamped on themselves. A howling, airbrush-style wolf wearing sunglasses. A bunny on a throne. A cat in an antique looking halo-thing, the kinds that old necklaces used to showcase busts of women in. You know what I’m talking about. I’m kind of glad that I don’t.

    And by the way, I wrote the “Owl With a Monocle and Top Hat” section BEFORE Googling and successfully locating multiple images of owl-with-monocle-and-top-hat tattoos.


    Sorta Normal


    There are some people who get decent work done, whether it means something or is simply aesthetically pleasing. These people have given their tattoos a decent amount of thought, don’t live to regret the giant skull eating a corn dog living on their thigh, and probably (believe it or not) are beginning to become the majority of people who have tattoos. It’s no longer weird or a short-lived trend, but has become a pretty mainstream part of popular culture. Hopefully this article has encouraged you to not be a dumbass or a half-ass, and actually plan out and execute a good tattoo.


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