No One Likes Your Instagram!

    November 6, 2012 at 4:00 am

    Everyone with an iPhone and zero sense of quality filtering is now absolutely obsessed with Instagram. And by “obsessed with Instagram” I mean “obsessed with garnering more followers because we’re all attention whores at heart.” Losers everywhere want to know why they can’t get over 50 followers and how come their stupid slutty friend has over 400 and isn’t even, like, a smart or interesting person? Man, life can be hard. Here are the answers to your burning questions about why no one seems to like your Instagram.

    Your Food Pictures are Boring and Gross

    onion rings

    Stop photographing your brunch of McDonald’s breakfast platter plus vodka in a Burger King cup surrounded by sterling silverware. No one cares about what you’re going to poop out in the next few hours. These pictures of your future feces are neither appetizing nor interesting. You had a homemade vegan quesadilla with organic gold nuggets? Congratulations. You are both boring and a total tryhard. Most of the time, these images completely fail to make the food look appetizing whatsoever. The only food image I have ever liked was of a single, sad hot dog in a frying pan. Because that is hilarious.


    No One Cares About Your Stupid Baby

    lame baby

    Look, we get it. Do you get it? Do you get that just because something is totally amazing to you doesn’t automatically make it amazing to anyone else? Do you get that newborn babies kind of look like a semi-digested E.T?

    Especially if your friends don’t have or want children, no one wants to see pictures of your ugly little kid. Look. Here is my ball of mush lying on its side. Here it is making the only face it knows how to make. Here is the little flesh pile lying on it’s other side.

    You love your baby. That’s great. Do not try to force others into partaking in the aww-fest. They are not interested. And do you know who is the least interested of all? Your baby itself. Your baby doesn’t give a shit about Instagram, and to be honest, you’re invading the kid’s privacy just a little bit by plastering its image all over a public forum.


    Boring in General



    Most Instagrams lack creativity or originality of any type because most people live boring day-to-day lives. If Instagram was a text file, it would look like this:

    – A dog lying on its side, asleep.

    – A piece of pizza.

    – My friend in a cool suit (liked).

    – A blurry shot of fireworks exploding.

    – My friend’s friend who I don’t even know, standing around and looking at the camera.

    – Two blurry images of paintings in a museum.

    – Roadkill (liked).

    – A statue in the local park which I have seen for years and years, in person.

    – Weed.

    – A sidewalk.

    – A really far away picture of some band playing in the dark.


    No one Knows Your Friends, So Therefore Their Pics Are 1/100th as Interesting

    stupid friends

    If you’re a person who constantly posts quirky pictures of your friends doing totally quirky and funny stuff, but don’t have many mutual friends in your group of followers, it’s most likely that no one cares. Why am I interested in an image of someone I don’t know making a funny face at the camera? I would honestly prefer the go-to sleeping dog images over pictures of strangers looking like perfectly normal folks.


    You Suck as a Photographer

    It's blurry

    The iPhone’s camera isn’t that sophisticated. You have to hold still and let it autofocus, and do other camera stuff like make sure it’s not pitch black. Have a little pride in your work, or at least recognize that crap pictures shouldn’t be uploaded. Especially photos of women, because the Internet will always be full of perverts, and that’s a large group of potential friend candidates, right there.


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