5 Classic Video Game Plots That Are Still around Today (Despite Being Totally Sexist)

    September 13, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    “Portraying women realistically” does not mean making sure their boobs bounce correctly

    #2 DOA

    doa bikini fix

    The plot we are sick of is “let’s put giant boobs where they don’t belong.” Now, don’t get us wrong, giant boobs belong in a lot of places: We wish there was an entire museum of giant boobs , but for now the magazine rack at our liquor store will have to do. However, we don’t need giant boobs when we fight.

    When we picture the ideal fighter, there’s obviously a few characteristics we look for: Strength, agility, fireball trap combos, etc. What we¬†don’t need is the fighter with two heavy watermelons strapped to her chest. How does that help anyone fight? Design a woman character who actually hit dudes hard with her rack, then we’ll ogle.

    Obviously, the most aggregious perpetrator of this plot is the Dead or Alive fighting series.

    doa bunnies

    We’d be remiss to take about boobs in video games and not mention the peculiar technology known as breast bounce. It seems that, behind the scenes of these fighting games/sad porn, there are teams of engineers working to make sure that breasts bounce just right. Because if anything pisses off a 16-year-old virgin gamer pervert, it’s when the on-screen breasts don’t look exactly like they should. But since they’ve never seen actual boobs (and neither have the programmers), you get stuff like this:

    Dead or Alive made it quite clear what they were about from the start, including an option in their fist game to turn on “jiggling boobs.”

    Recently, the DOA girls have decided to hit the beach volleyball circuit, sales of this game series indicate that there actually is a market for soft, soft, softcore pornography. But although DOA is certainly paving the way for technology which eventually makes sentient robot breasts, they are only one of many games that randomly throw titty shots in where they don’t belong. It’s not even limited to fighting games, either:

    The original Metroid
    final fantasy
    Final Fantasy exists in a kingdom where there’s a shortage of dress fabric
    Takes a lot of work to show cleavage in a first person shooter. Now you’ll never know what your shoes look like.

    When are video game designers finally going to figure out that we can get porn elsewhere, and that when we play videogames are hands are busy?

    Tomorrow: The number one most sexist classic game of all time has “man” written all over it. Check out our third, fourth, and fifth most sexist games, too.


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