Video Game Characters: This Is Why You Can’t Get Laid!

    July 11, 2012 at 6:00 am

    Advice for the nice guys of the video game world

    “Nice Guy” syndrome is a perceived modern phenomenon. It is the alleged correlation between being a genuine, sweet male and not getting dates. Although, almost always, it’s really due to the actual correlation between never asking girls out and not getting dates.

    Nowhere is Nice Guy Syndrome more prominent than in the video game world. Many magnanimous digital heroes must settle for no more than a kiss on the cheek from their rescued maiden. It’s not the medium, either, plenty of digital heroes land the girl, from Ezio Firenze to King Graham of Daventry. This breaks our hearts, so we’ve made a guide for our favorite video game characters to improve their game:


    Mario is the classic example of a guy who blames everything on “nice guy” syndrome instead of being introspective. First of all, change out of your nasty work overalls when you’ve been sliding around sewer pipes all day. Don’t just run up to the Princess right when you save her, when you are dripping with the waste products of the entire Mushroom Kingdom. Take a shower, then see if you aren’t much more approachable.┬áStop trying so hard. Whenever Princess Peach or Rosalina get kidnapped, you drop everything and chase after them

    No wonder the sewers are always clogged

    Sit back and play it cool for a change. Let the Princesses actually miss you not being around. Lose a life or two boxing or kart racing, just to show them you don’t really care.
    Not only will playing aloof make you seem like less of a tool, it will also help you overcome your primary personality flaw: You are predictable. During the course of any given day, you will smash a brick into your head, eat a funny-colored mushroom, and shout “Mamma Mia!” Princesses want a more well-rounded guy, so get out there and do something different.



    You put the needs of others before yourself all the time, and that undermines your ability to grow. Particularly when you time travel past your entire childhood, that specifically undermines your ability to grow.

    Furthermore, and we can’t emphasize this enough: Wearing pants is an important part of growing up.


    Here’s a tip: If it came in a plastic egg, it’s not pants.
    Notice that you generally tend to convey a since of immaturity, it is this which is keeping Zelda at arm’s length. Put away the boomerangs and minidress/leggings ensembles and embrace the change.

    Also, never ever do this again:

    Gordon Freeman

    We get it, we really do. We’ve seen “The Time Traveler’s Wife” so we understand the difficulties one must have in sustaining a relationship when one is missing large gaps of time. But that shouldn’t stop you from trying.
    First of all, depending on what floats your boat, both Alex and the G-Man seem down. Use a smooth pickup line, like, “I’m so glad I ran into somebody with compatible sexual organs,” or “isnt it weird how we’re the only two people around for miles? Let me headcrab your hair.”

    Or, frankly, any line whatsoever would be a step in the right direction. We’re not entirely sure how you got appointed the savior of our planet without uttering a single word, but it’s not cute.

    [pic freeman[

    Also, lose the hipster glasses. You’re a grown man.

    Mega Man

    Your man problem is your interpersonal relationships, which is unusual for a robot. Right off the bat, no respectable womanoid will fall for you once she sees that you’re Dr. Light’s bitch. Seriously, the robotic emancipation of 20XX freed the robots from indentured servitude, so start being your own rock.
    In addition, you seem to have this complex where you treat every woman like your sister. Robots don’t have sisters. They don’t even have adopted sisters, there’s absolutely zero robot genetics. We strongly suspect Dr. Light has pigeonholed you into a life of asexuality to further keep you at his beck and call. At least have that tubby fella engineer you a robot wife or a sexy robot maid.

    [pic of ligt and roll and megaman]”And that is why I unbolted your penis”

    We hope these tips were helpful to any of our readers who are also video game characters. If we’re ever going to have our dream of Link, Jr. fighting Son of Mega Man, they’ve got to get to reproducing.


    Speak Your Mind
    Tell us what you're thinking... and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!