I HATE THIS FILM: An Avengers Movie Review by Bizarro Superman

    May 4, 2012 at 6:00 am

    Bizarro Superman

    I recently went to the Avengers with the intent of writing a movie review. But I already knew I was going to hate this movie before I even walked into the theater. I was standing in line, and some punk teens started making fun of me for my out-of-place Superman costume. I tried to explain that it wasn’t a costume, but punk kids wouldn’t listen. So, I tried to zap them with my Bizarro X-Ray vision. It’s like Superman’s X-Ray vision, except instead of seeing through things I make it so those things are permanently invisible. But then, the management caught me and told me to “put away that toy.” I spent $5 billion developing my anti-X-Ray vision, and she calls it a toy. But I’m straying from my point, which is my review of The Avengers movie.

    It sucked. I kept waiting to see some amazing moves that I couldn’t do. After all, I was one of the first to audition for a part in this film, but was turned down because “I didn’t fit the superhero look.” Sure, they accept some giant with a skin disease and anger issues, but I’m not kid friendly enough. I was so mad, I went and beat up a bunch of little kids. But now I’m rambling.

    So, in The Avengers, the stupid Avengers have to stop some guy from doing some evil or some shit. Frankly, I could care less about anything going on when that flamboyant Captain America is prancing on the screen. I would spend this time trying to readjust my cape, which frequently gets damaged after movies by the digestive process of all the popcorn butter. That makes it hard for me to Bizarro fly, which is just like regular flying except on a bus.

    Every time I see Iron Man, it reminds me of the times when me and Robert Downey, Jr. used to hang out together and get wasted. That was before he got all Bizarro Downey on me and went straight. Sometimes I wonder why I can’t get it together.┬áIn summary, The Avengers film put me on a path to self-discovery so incredibly horrific that I wouldn’t see it if I were Bizarro Superman nor regular Superman. I’m not trying to be biased, here: The Avengers film really does suffer without the inclusion of a Bizarro Superman character.

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