5 Valentine’s Day Traditions That Should be Stopped

    February 14, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Valentine’s Day is literally right now. Have you made plans yet? If not, consider yourself lucky, because you should really read this before you do. Here are five Valentine’s Day traditions that must be stopped.

    Valentine’s Day Cards

    valentines cardsPeople complain about how “Valentine’s Day was invented by corporations” and all that jazz. But then, those are the same people who eschew all Valentine’s Day traditions in favor of one… buying a card. It seems harmless enough, but if Valentine’s Day was invented by corporations, which one do you think it was? It certainly wasn’t Wal-Mart. Hallmark would probably be the better guess. And besides, nothing some struggling poet will ever write could (or should) accurately summarize how you feel about your significant other. Unless you hate her, in which case Valentine’s cards that express that sentiment don’t even exist. Stop feeding into the corporate machine. Getting to the drug store at 6 pm to fight over the last Valentine’s card that isn’t addressed to your aunt is exactly what The Man wants you to do. Write a letter instead.

    Necco Candy Hearts

    candy heartsThey taste like ass. Or if we’re being more specific, they taste like chalk. Ask your cousin who wears a prescription helmet to confirm that if need be. They can probably tell you what chalk tastes like, and his answer will likely be “Necco Candy Hearts.” The only people who enjoy these things are lonely cat-ladies who get a bag of them at their office potluck and fantasize that the one that says “You’re Special” is somehow directed at them.

    Valentine’s Singles Parties

    valentines singles partyYou don’t celebrate your sadness any other day, why make this one an exception?  It’s the exact same reason Valentine’s Day shouldn’t exist. If you love someone, love them everyday. If you’re a lonely spinster, spend more than one day per year trying to fix it. Only the most desperate of the desperate will attend a Valentine’s singles party. Is that really who you want to hitch your wagon to?

    Sending Roses

    rosesNot only is it a hack sentiment, it can also be detrimental to your beloved’s well being. Roses don’t come from a magical land filled with love and men who domestically abuse you. They come from Ecuador. That’s a long trip. To ensure that those roses make the trip safely, they’re sprayed with a toxic fungicide immediately prior to their shipment to the United States. So when your significant other leans in to get a nose full of that sweet flower smell, she’s also inhaling toxic chemicals that will probably give her cancer one day, depending on how shitty of a boyfriend you are.

    Going Out to Dinner

    romantic dinnerA simple dinner with your lady might seem like a winning idea on Valentine’s Day. After all, it’s something you (hopefully) do on a regular basis. Except doing it on this particular night will almost certainly guarantee you some holiday sex. Or will it? The answer is probably yes if you planned ahead and made reservations at the finest restaurant your city has to offer. But you didn’t, did you? No, you decided to wing it and now you’re heading into the night to find a fine place to wine and dine the lady of your current dreams. And what you’re going to find is that you might as well be an indie musician trying to get into the Grammys. The only people who go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day are people who crave attention but don’t realize that just being in public on a holiday isn’t enough to make them interesting enough to look at.

    Cook your woman a meal instead. It’s a far more thoughtful gesture and, as a super duper extra added bonus, you don’t have to talk her into coming back to your place after you eat, because you’re already there.


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