7 Things That Do NOT Cause Earthquakes

    August 24, 2011 at 6:00 am

    If you’ve been on any social media sites since yesterday, there’s a good chance you’ve been seeing buttloads of reactions to yesterday’s East Coast earthquake, a 5.8 rumbler that originated in Mineral, Virginia and shook the East Coast, including Washington D.C., New York City, and even parts of Canada. You may have also seen some dim-witted reactions to the earthquake from your stupider Facebook friends and Twitter followers, and some people were even jumping at the chance to place the blame for the earthquake (because apparently people cause earthquakes now), saying that it was God’s message to gays, or republicans, or democrats, or whatever group of people that particular poster just happens to hate right now. Of course, all of these people are horribly misinformed (plate tectonics are the only thing to blame for earthquakes), so we thought it would be helpful to provide a quick overview of 7 things that do NOT cause earthquakes.

    Gay Marriage

    gay marriage lesbian coupleSome Americans are pretty upset about New York’s recent validation of gay marriage. Apparently, many people in the country are opposed to giving gay people who live thousands of miles away from them the right to form legal civil unions so that they can visit each other in the hospital like all of the miserably married straight couples in the country. But whether you agree with gay marriage or not, there’s one thing that we should all agree on: God doesn’t try to smite gay marriage by causing a medium-sized earthquake to slightly rattle the morally decrepit state of New York. This is a fact for a few simple reasons: 1) Gay people getting married doesn’t affect anyone except the two gay people who do it. 2) God doesn’t smite people that way anymore. That was Old Testament God. New Testament God just sits back and depends on people to love and take care of each other. 3) Even if God did send that earthquake to strike down the gays, it was a pretty weak earthquake and it did little to no damage, so if you’re giving God credit for an earthquake attack on the gays then God failed miserably, and God doesn’t do that.

    Barack Obama

    obamaSome people believe that God sent that earthquake to Mineral, Virginia because it’s near Washington, D.C., where Barack Obama lives, so God was obviously aiming for Barack Obama, who He hates for some reason. Just for the sake of argument, let’s pretend like we’re all idiots for a second and assume that God did, in fact, send that earthquake to the Eastern United States yesterday morning. Do you really think God would have the time to pick out a single individual (albeit the leader of the free world) as a target for attack? And even if God was enough of a dick to actually do that, do you really think that his preferred method of attack would be to send an off-target earthquake in hopes of destroying that single individual? Why wouldn’t he just make Obama have a heart attack, or suffer from a brain aneurism or something? Also, Barack Obama wasn’t even in Washington, D.C. yesterday, so no matter what crazy superstition you subscribe to, I think we can all collectively rule this out.


    republicansWhat about all the other politicians in Washington, D.C. besides El Presidente? Over the past few months, Republicans have steadily been proving themselves to be the evil, money-grubbing, wealthy-people-coddling curmudgeons we all knew they were,  seemingly bent on destroying any semblance of national unity at a time when it’s most needed. What if God was trying to destroy those evil-doers? Again, in order to even participate in this discussion, we’ll have to assume that earthquakes are caused by divine intervention and not science and plate tectonics, but the previous argument still rings true: if sending earthquakes to destroy evil people is actually something that God does, then why did he miss by 100 miles? If you believe that God can send earthquakes, then you have to believe that he can hit his target. I mean, he’s God.


    democratsIf there’s anyone in Washington D.C. that God hates, it’s got to be the Democrats, right? That bunch of rich, liberal liars sitting in their fancy leather chairs in Washington, raking in huge salaries for accomplishing absolutely nothing over the last four years. Hell, they haven’t even followed through on any of the promises they made to us while campaigning. What happened to all of that hope that was supposed to come rolling in? What about closing down Gitmo, regulating the financial institutions and creating a comprehensive universal healthcare program? They haven’t done any of that stuff they promised, so if God was aiming for anyone it must’ve been those guys, right? Well I hope they got the message loud and clear when they noticed their fancy chandeliers swaying for a few seconds yesterday morning! Again, if you think God can attack people with natural disasters, then you can’t believe that he does so with the mentality of a drunk dude playing darts in a crappy dive bar somewhere. He doesn’t miss his target.

    Bad People

    wu tang clanOkay, so maybe God’s not political. Maybe he’s not exclusively prejudiced against corrupt politicians or gay people. Maybe he just doesn’t like bad people. If you think that God sent the earthquake to the East Coast yesterday to attack bad people, then at least you’ve got statistics on your side. The East Coast boasts the highest population per square mile in the entire country, and the concentration of bad people within that crowd is also statistically higher, so naturally there’s bound to be more crappy people there. The more people you get with your magic earthquake weapon, the more bad ones you’ll take out, right? Of course, in order to do that, God would have to send an earthquake that actually accomplishes something. The one he apparently sent yesterday didn’t do much of anything, besides inviting a flame war between West Coast bloggers and East Coast bloggers about who’s the bigger collective p*ssy.

    God’s Wrath

    wrath of godMaybe it’s time we all stopped claiming that this earthquake was the act of an angry, vengeful God, okay? Earthquakes don’t happen because God wants to destroy someone, unless that earthquake happens in the imagination of an ancient scholar who’s transcribing Jewish folk stories in a barely-intelligible Greek ebonics so that 300 other future scholars can edit, re-edit, omit, misinterpret, and change those stories over the next few hundred years for future generations of God-fearing people. Earthquakes happen because the surface of the Earth is constantly shifting and moving, and sometimes the pieces crash together or rub against one another to create friction and stress which later has to be released, kind of like two dry-humping teenagers. If God ever actually sends an earthquake to destroy someone or a group of people, then I’m pretty sure we’ll know about it, because he’s not gonna half-ass it. It’s going to be quick, clean, precise, and truly devastating. That’s just how God rolls.


    boobsIn response to the devastating earthquake in Haiti last year, Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazim Sadeghi announced that the earthquake was God’s punishment for scantily-clad women. In response to that, a women’s group in the U.S. declared the next day Boobquake, a day to express your disapproval of the cleric’s words by showing off your boobs. Naturally, everyone in the western world strongly approved of this reaction. But then, as if it were scripted, another earthquake occured during Boobquake. Fortunately, the Boobquake earthquake didn’t do much damage, so apparently God is only slightly pissed about women showing of their boobs, but for the most part he was just staring like the rest of us. It should come as no surprise that, besides being the day that an earthquake struck the East Coast, yesterday was also National Go Topless Day. This is all pure coincidence, though. Yesterday’s East Coast earthquake had absolutely nothing to do with boobs, because that kind of logic is ancient, archaic, and just downright stupid. We had an entire Age of Enlightenment so that we would stop using stupid half-wit logic like that, but I sure hope that some outspoken religious nut comes out and says that boobs caused yesterday’s earthquake too, because I’m just dying for a reason to officially make everyday Boobquake Day. Let’s all do our best to make that happen.


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