The Hockey Movie All Star Dream Team

    June 6, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Every hockey movie features a few key players who are the team’s all-stars, but what if we gathered all of the hockey movie all-stars together to create the ultimate hockey movie all-star dream team? Here’s what the roster might look like:

    Head Coach: Herb Brooks


    herb-brooksHerb Brooks is the most famous ice hockey coach of all time, so he should definitely coach this hockey movie all star team. He’s got the great hair, great suits, and great speeches to get the job done.

    Assistant Coach: Gordon Bombay

    The Mighty Ducks 1 & 2

    gordon-bombayGordon Bombay is a pee wee ice hockey legend and the inventor of the infamous “Triple Deek”. He’s got coaching experience, he treats hockey pucks with soft hands, and he’s got significant head coaching experience, so he’s a shoe-in for the assistant coaching job.

    Center: Reg Dunlop


    reg-dunlopReg Dunlop can handle himself and his team on and off the ice. He’s a magnificent con-man, he’s got dreamy blue eyes, and he went on to invent salad dressing, which is important for keeping his teammates healthy yet satisfied.

    Center: John Biebe

    Mystery Alaska

    john-biebeJohn Biebe is the star of Mystery’s Saturday Games, and he managed to live in Alaska without committing suicide, which makes him a strong-willed person. He also bears a striking resemblance to Russell Crowe, and that’s always going to help you play hockey better.

    Center – Dean Youngblood


    youngbloodDean Youngblood is renowned for his blazing speed and quick stick. He’s used to winning games with stunning shots and being carried off of the ice after the most insane post-game sports movie fight ever, in which two hockey players sword fight with their sticks while nobody tries to stop them. He’s a born winner.

    Center: Charlie Conway

    The Mighty Ducks 1 & 2

    charlie-conwayCharlie Conway is a must for any movie-themed All-Star Hockey Team. He is an undisputed team leader, he’s great at waving a team flag, and he inexplicably moved to Dawson’s Creek for his late teens and early 20’s, so he’s unpredictable.

    Right Wing – Mitchell Goosen


    airborne-mitchell-goosenMitch Goosen has all of the qualities you look for in a good power forward: he’s a solid player, he’s got dreamy good looks, and he totally conquered the Devil’s Backbone. What else can you ask for?

    Right Wing – Jack the Chimp

    MVP: Most Valuable Primate

    mvp chimp hockeyJack was basically born to be on an all-star hockey team. Well, he was born to be a chimpanzee, then he was genetically altered to be on an all-star hockey team. He also knows sign language, which would totally help for on-ice communication, and he’s a monkey who can ice skate. That’s just badass.

    Right Wing – Darren Roanoke

    The Love Guru

    darren-roanokeDarren Roanoke is an all-star player for the Toronto Maple Leafs. He’s a born leader, but he’ll gladly take a backseat and pick up a wing position for the team. He benefits from spiritual guidance from his guru Maurice Pitka, and he probably ends up winning the game and/or finding his one true love. We’re not really sure. We didn’t get through to the end.

    Left Wing – Derek Sutton


    derek-suttonDerek Sutton is just an average player, but it’s Patrick Swayze. You just can’t keep him off of a list if there’s even the slightest chance of him fitting into it.

    Left Wing – Jack


    airborne-jackAs a hockey player, Jack is so infamous that he doesn’t even need a last name. He’s the best hockey player in his school, and he’s a bully so he’s tough as nails. The only reason he’s not the star player on this All-Star team is that, sadly, he failed to conquer the Devil’s Backbone.

    Left Wing – Matt ‘Skank’ Marden

    Mystery Alaska

    skank-mardenEvery successful hockey team needs one crucial element to succeed: a team cut-up who’s always going for an easy laugh, even in the middle of a game. The team could also benefit from Matt’s perverted ways, as he’ll surely provide a poor example to keep the other players in check.

    Defense – Fulton Reed

    The Might Ducks 1 & 2

    fulton-reedFulton is the ultimate defenseman. He’s huge and intimidating, he’s got a slapshot that can knock a goalie over and blast through the net, and he’s a founding member of the Bash Brothers. Unfortunately, his skating abilities are only intermediate, so he’ll need a little help to protect the blue line consistently.

    Defense – The Hanson Brothers


    hanson-brothersThe Hanson Brothers are a versatile triage of hockey/fighting prowess. They’re fighters and brawlers, which is great for letting the other team know who’s boss. They totally turned the Chiefs’ season around when they joined the team, so there’s no reason to expect any less with this hockey movie all-stars team. Also, they may be mentally handicapped, so it’s possible that the team could get some monetary donations just for allowing the Hanson Brothers to participate.

    Defense – Gunner Stahl

    The Mighty Ducks 2

    gunner-stahlThe Might Ducks were a great hockey team (good enough to spawn two sequels), and Gunner Stahl was the most formidable foe they ever faced. Therefore, having Gunner on this hockey movie all-star team is a MUST. He’s Icelandic, which is super cool. He’s got an incredibly menacing accent, which also helps when clearing the crease. His only weakness is that he tends to purposely miss when he’s shooting against girl goalies that he wants to hook up with, so as long as this all-star team isn’t playing a female hockey team, we should be fine.

    Defense – Happy Gilmore

    Happy Gilmore

    happy-gilmoreHappy Gilmore has tons of passion, but absolutely zero skating ability. That’s okay, though, because as a defenseman all he really needs to do is stand in front of his own goalie and push people around. He’s also got a killer slapshot, so he can definitely contribute on the offensive end. Plus, can you imagine having two of the Hanson Brothers on one defensive line, then the other Hanson Brother and Happy Gilmore on your second D-line? That’s an unstoppable set-up.

    Goalie – Jim Craig


    jim-craigThere’s no better hockey movie goalie for the All-Star team than Jim Craig. He’s a fantastic goalie and a natural team leader, and he ended the Cold War by winning a gold medal in the winter Olympics. If any other goalie can top that, I’d sure like to see them try.

    Goalie – Jacques “Le Coq” Grande

    The Love Guru

    jacques-le-coqJacques Grande is a decent goalie. More importantly, he’s got a huge penis, which totally helps with those tricky 5-hole shots. He also seems to be cool and French simultaneously, which takes a lot of effort. Also, he’s Justin Timberlake, and Justin Timberlake is good at everything he does.

    Goalie – Darren McCord

    Sudden Death

    sudden-deathDarren McCord is all about saving the day, no matter what the cost. That’s a good quality for a goalie to have. Darren’s not even really a goalie, either. He’s actually a firefighter who posed as a goalie in order to send a hockey game into overtime so that he’d have more time to save the vice-president and his own daughter from terrorists. You’d definitely want this guy on your team.

    Goalie – Jason Vorhees

    Friday the 13th Series

    jasonJason is so committed to his goaltending responsibilities that he never takes of his goalie mask. He’s also dead, so he never gets tired. In addition to his incredible dedication and startling endurance, he’s also deceivingly fast. In fact, sometimes he can keep up with people when they’re frantically running away from him, even though he seems to be walking at a steady, leisurely pace. He may be unpredictable, but he’s definitely a must for a hockey movie all-star team.

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