The Worst Comic Book Superheroes of All Time

 
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    May 10, 2011 at 9:43 am

    Not all comic book superheroes are actually super. For every Batman and Spider-Man, there are literally dozens of hopeless superheroes who fail to strike terror in the hearts of their enemies. These less-than-awesome superheroes are the well-meaning screw-ups who have been saddled with inadequate powers, awful costumes and (in some cases) giant bushy tails. They are the crappiest comic book superheroes of all time, and this is their Hall of Fame: the five worst comic book superheroes of all time:

    Arm Fall Off Boy

    arm fall off boy comic book characterRemember when you were eight-years-old and you used to sit around with your friends discussing which comic book superpower you’d like to have? Odds are none of you mentioned the ability to rip off your own arm and use it like a club. And yet, that’s precisely the power the warped wordsmiths at DC Comics gave to their new superhero, Arm Fall Off Boy, in 1989 when he briefly appeared in an issue of the comic book Secret Origins. Even the writers recognized how lame the comic book premise was, and the superhero character was retired soon after.

    Squirrel Girl

    squirrel girl comic book superheroWhich comic book superhero would you call upon if you found yourself tied to a railroad track with only seconds to live: A superhero who is faster than a speeding bullet, or a superhero who is a teenage girl with the ability to communicate with squirrels? The writers at Marvel Comics were hoping you’d choose the latter when they created Squirrel Girl back in 1992. Equipped with a bushy prehensile tail (which real squirrels don’t actually have) and retractable claws (which real squirrels also don’t have), this certifiable super zero was every bit as nutty as the acorns she liked to horde in her hollowed out cheeks.

    The Bouncer

    the bouncer comic book characterMany comic book superheroes look as though they’ve been sculpted out of stone, but the Bouncer actually was. Created in 1944 for Fox Feature Syndicate, this hopeless superhero was a Greek statue imbued with superhuman strength and the ability to leap great distances. There was just one small catch: he inexplicably lost all of his power when he wasn’t in contact with the ground. In other words, the Bouncer was totally useless if he was lying in a hammock or on a short haul flight from Albany to Pittsburgh. The Bouncer’s obvious limitations prevented him from ever achieving mass popularity and his comic books were “bounced” off of newsstands everywhere less than one year later.

    Brother Power the Geek

    the geek comic book superheroThe late 1960s were an experimental period in the comic book industry, and no superhero character was more experimental than Brother Power the Geek. Created by DC Comics in 1968, this far out superhero was a living and breathing mannequin imbued with exceptional strength, intelligence, endurance and a god-like ability to change size and shape. Unfortunately he rarely used any of his awe-inspiring powers since he spent 98 percent of his time making dandelion chains with drugged-out hippies while extolling the virtues of peace and love. Not surprisingly, his wimpy message of non-violence failed to strike a chord with younger blood-thirsty readers and the original comic book series was cancelled after just two issues.

    Dogwelder

    dogwelder comic book superheroBored with their regular creative duties, DC Comics writers Garth Ennis and John McCrea decided to challenge one another one day to create the world’s worst comic book superhero. The result was Dogwelder, a perverse vigilante who punishes criminals by spot welding dead puppies to their faces. Little has been revealed of this cagey crime fighter in the 14 years since he was created, but we do know that he a) lives in an alley, b) sets traps for stray animals and c) is the last person in the world you should ask to look after your schnauzer for the weekend.

     

     
     
     
    2 Comments
    1. Jonny says:

      Squirrel Girl beat Dr. Doom once. But she still sucks.

    2. TheReviewer says:

      Dogwelder might be the most straight-forward superhero name ever.

     
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