9 People You Meet in the Office Bathroom

    April 12, 2011 at 10:00 am

    The office bathroom is the modern-day savanna watering hole, and the people you meet in the office bathroom are like the many zebras, crocodiles, water buffalo, lions, and elephants that would normally kill eachother, but have to co-mingle around the water hole in order to survive. The office bathroom is the one location in your office where everyone, no matter what their rank, pay grade, or job title, is created equal. Everyone has to poop sometime, and the office bathroom is the place where everyone masks their instinctual insecurities in their own particular way. Of course, some people are more awkward about it than others.

    The Smelly Guy

    man bathroom stallHow to Identify Him: You’ll know this guy is in the bathroom as soon as you open the door, because you’ll be greeted an odor so foul that your eyes will water and you’ll start to gag. It’ll smell like somebody vomited inside of a rotten corpse and then lit it on fire. The bathroom will most likely be empty, and it’ll be a miracle if you even make it to the restroom without someone warning you ahead of time. In fact, usually when The Smelly Guy goes in the bathroom everyone immediately gets a heads up, whether you’re headed to the bathroom or not.

    How to Combat Him: Your best bet with The Smelly Guy is to treat him like an ugly drunk girl: avoid him at all costs, even if it means inconveniencing yourself in the process. Just hold it. If you really have to unload immediately (if, perhaps, you had Indian food for lunch), try darting to the next closest bathroom. If it’s a women’s bathroom, be absolutely sure to knock and make sure the room is clear before you go in. The last thing you need is to be known to your co-workers as “the creepy guy who ran into the women’s bathroom, panicked, and then crapped his pants”. That’s worse than being The Smelly Guy.

    The Chatty Boss

    bathroom stall urinal talkHow to Identify Him: For starters, look for someone who’s a boss, and who’s also chatty. He’s probably the same guy who cornered you at the office Christmas party last year to talk about spreadsheets. He’s got nothing but work on his mind 24/7, and that includes during bathroom breaks. Once he shimmies up to you at the urinal, all bets are off. He’ll fill your ear with so much work-related chatter you’ll have to fake like you’re peeing even after you’re already done.

    How to Combat Him: Your strategy for dealing with The Chatty Boss depends on how well you know said boss. If you don’t know him very well, just fake being deaf. You’ll find that this strategy works in most scenarios, as long as you remember to maintain the “pretending to be deaf” routine every time you see that person forever. If The Chatty Boss is your boss, then you’ll have to employ a different strategy: beat him to the punch by mentioning the latest Dilbert comic. I guarantee this guy LOVES Dilbert, and it’s the only thing besides work that he can talk about.

    The Loiterer

    loiterer bathroom

    How to Identify Him: It’s easy to spot the bathroom loiterer; he’ll be the guy creepily loitering in the bathroom. He’s probably waiting for a stall or urinal to open up, but there’s an etiquette to pubic bathrooms: if you can’t take care of business when you want to, get the hell out of there and come back later. Only an inexperienced public bathroom user loiters around waiting for something to crap in (sports arena bathrooms are the only exception to this rule).

    How to Combat Him: The loiterer wants only two things: to seem invisible to the people around him, and to not move, because if he does he might crap his pants. However, if one of these goals is compromised, he’ll quickly abandon the other. If you call him out on being a creepy loiterer, he’ll gather his decency and walk (awkardly perhaps) out of the bathroom to wait outside. On the other hand, if you can make him crap his pants while he’s waiting, that’s also a good reason for him to leave.

    The Guy Who Stands Too Close

    How to Identify Him: He’s the guy who’s touching you while you’re holding your penis in your hand. For some reason, this guy doesn’t understand rule #1 of public restroom etiquette: Never never ever never never ever ever use the urinal that’s right next to someone else’s urinal unless there are absolutely no other options available, and if you have to do so, don’t make eye contact or touch elbows for any reason whatsoever.

    How to Combat Him: One way to do it is to one-up him by pinching¬† it off for a second then starting to pee into his urinal instead of your own. Best case: he’ll get freaked out and move down the line, and you’ve made your point. Worst case: he thinks it’s a cool funny game between the two of you, and every time he sees you in the bathroom from now on, he’ll share the same urinal with you. There’s a 50/50 chance you’ll win, though, and when it comes to bathroom stuff that’s pretty good.

    The Mirror Guy

    man mirror

    How to Identify Him: He’ll be the guy obsessively staring at himself in the mirror every time you’re in the bathroom. He’s polite enough to step out of the way when you need to wash your hands, but you’ll still see him staring over your shoulder behind you the whole time. Don’t worry, he’s not being creepy or anything. He just can’t seem to take his eyes off of himself.

    How to Combat Him: The only way to creep out a creepy dude is to be even creepier. This guy’s comfortable staring at himself for hours on end, but having someone else stare at him is a different story. In fact, quick eye contact should be enough to get him out of the bathroom for at least a few minutes. Plan on staring directly at this guy for a couple of hours, just in case it takes him a while to realize that there’s anyone else in the room.

    The Shy Guy

    man bathroom urinal

    How to Identify Him: If there’s anyone else in the bathroom when The Shy Guy comes in, he’ll immediately exit the bathroom. If you happen to come in when The Shy Guy is using the bathroom, he’ll frantically button up and scurry out of the room with his head down. Some people just have shy bladders. There’s no reason to hate him for that. You can definitely judge him, though.

    How to Combat Him: Just being there should prove more than problematic for The Shy Guy.

    The Loud Guy

    man bathroom urinal

    How to Identify Him: This guy may not be a boss or a manager, but he’s definitely a sales or marketing guy, because he loves to talk. He’ll talk about anything and everything. He’s adept at being able to relate to anything, so as soon as he gets a single piece of information from you, it’s off to the races. If you tell him you threw up green Jell-O this morning, he’ll tell you about how he attended a Green Jell-O concert in high school, and how that was before they got sued and had to change their name to Green Jelly.

    How to Combat Him: The Loud Guy’s power is derived from the fact that people talk in order to communicate with one another. When it comes to screaming at the top of your lungs, however, his abilities completely fail him. As soon as he speaks to you, scream at the top of your lungs like a bad actor in a rape safety video. It’ll be the first and last time he ever speaks to you in the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter.

    The Extra Washer

    How to Identify Him: You can be in the bathroom for twenty straight minutes (although if you’re in there that long for legitimate reasons, you may want to consult a physician) and The Extra Washer will be frantically scrubbing his hands the whole time. Initially, you’ll probably think that this is because he’s extremely clean, but in fact the opposite is true: he normally doesn’t wash his hands at all, so he feels the need to overcompensate when he’s in a public restroom. Yeah: that dude is straight up nasty.

    How to Combat Him: The Extra Washer is overcompensating so that nobody will know that he usually doesn’t wash his hands. If you demonstrate that washing your hands isn’t important, he’ll immediately feel more comfortable not washing his hands. Once he’s lightened up a bit and left the restroom, go back in and wash your hands. You don’t want to be the nasty guy in the office.

    The Long Pooper

    man bathroom stall feetHow to Identify Him: He’s the guy who’s been taking a dump for the past 3 hours, and letting everyone know how painful/uncomfortable it is by grunting and moaning constantly. He’s also the kind of guy that will yell at you if you try to open the stall door when he’s in there, so consider yourself warned.

    How to Combat Him: Don’t worry, there’s no need to call a doctor. This guy’s completely fine. He’s just faking really painful dumps to get out of working for a few hours every day. The best thing you can do is help him out. Bring him a laptop or an ipad and offer to let him borrow it in exchange for doing some of your work. Once he knows you’re on to his scheme, he’ll be more than happy to accommodate.


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