5 New Jobs for Glenn Beck

    April 11, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of millions of people laughing out loud, because by the end of the year Glenn Beck will be officially unemployed, and it’ll be time for America’s most pompous windbag to hop on craigslist and find a new job. Fortunately, we’ve come up with a few future job ideas that Glenn Beck would be absolutely perfect forl. Here are 5 new jobs for Glenn Beck:

    1. Oil Tanker Captain

    funny glenn beck sea captainOver the past year, big oil companies have clumsily dumped more oil into the ocean than they ever have in their entire existence, and that makes it the perfect time for Glenn Beck to join their prestigious ranks. Beck has a long history of taking the wheel of large, unwieldy platforms and then driving them into the ground. He should fit in as an oil tanker captain like a douchebag at a frat party. And best of all: in the event that Beck misses the small island he’s aiming his tanker for, he’ll be able to spin the hell out of that tanker and give it another shot. Creating catastrophes are the oil company’s M.O. and Beck’s forte.

    2. TV News Weatherman

    TV Weathermen have the easiest job in the world, because they never have to be right. If they’re completely wrong, they can just blame the unpredictability of the weather. Fortunately, Beck is never right, so this would be a perfect fit for him. He’ll also have a pretty firm understanding of wind patterns (especially in the Midwestern farmlands), because he’s blown around more bullshit than all the tornadoes the flyover states have ever seen.

    3. Crazy Homeless Guy

    Being a homeless person is not easy. If you’re too nice, people will think you’re up to something. If you’re too crazy, people will go out of their way to avoid you. It takes a delicate balance of craziness and charisma to really be a successful homeless person. On average, homeless people make about $20,000 per year (absolutely true), so Beck won’t have a lot of resources to invest in geeky plaid shirts and skinny ties, but he was charming enough to convince millions of people that he wasn’t crazy, and he was crazy enough for the rest of the population to label him as “a crazy person”, so he seems to have what it takes to be the second most awesome homeless person ever. If he can get a golden voice working for him, he may just have a chance at the #1 spot.

    4. Soap Opera Actor

    Soap Opera Actors need two essential skills: the ability to cry at will, and the abillity to turn completely nuts on a dime. Beck can cry just by thinking about his own swollen, puffy head, and he’s clearly a devious SOB. Fox News doesn’t hire honest, kind-hearted people to run it’s rhetoric machine. The only downside is that, at some point in Glenn Beck’s (sure to be illustrious) soap opera future, we may be introduced to an evil twin Glenn Beck, and if there’s anything worse than the babbling buffoonery of one Glenn Beck, it’s two Glenn Beck’s arguing with each other about whether Obama is a Nazi or an Illegal Alien.

    6. CERN Lab Assistant

    The CERN Lab in Switzerland is home to the Large Hadron Collidor, a gigantic particle accelerator that’s probably going to accomplish one of two things: either it will create the first man-made blackhole that will quickly annihilate the entire planet, or it will create a wormhole that allows us to travel inter-dimensionally through time. Glenn Beck’s future employment there is either really good or really bad for the rest of us. If the LHC creates a blackhole that swallows the earth in a few nanoseconds, then having Glenn Beck close to ground zero will at least ensure us a couple of nanoseconds of life in a Beck-free world, which I’m sure will be absolute bliss. If, on the other hand, the LHC opens a time portal, it’s possible that Glenn Beck could be the first person to travel through time, which means that the inhabitants of the past will think that everyone in our current time is a complete dickhead, and they’ll probably destroy the world in their time just to be sure that Glenn Beck can never be born in the first place. Either way, we’re all going to die, but will we get a fraction of time without Glenn Beck? Only time will tell.


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