Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks

    April 8, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Jesus Christ will you please do this for me? I feed you, shelter you, and speaking of shelter do you remember where you lived before you ended up here? Yes, rhymes with helter and sounds just like shelter and I’m glad you’re an animal because that was an embarrassing thing to say out loud since it makes no damn sense but it’s because YOU WON’T COOPERATE AND DO SOMETHING ADORABLE THAT I CAN…

    Oh! Oh, keep doing that, that thing you just did with the blanket over your SONOFBITCHINFLASH! Ugh. Do that again. Here, put the blanket over, no don’t chew the blanket. Just put the, oh for the love of Ginger where the hell are you going?

    Ok, ok, you’re hungry. Wait, let me put something funny in your bowl, like a giant steak or a couple McDonald’s wrappers. There are a few in the trash. I’ll get them, be right back.

    [returns to find dog has left]


    Oh, you’re on the couch. Listen, please just do this for me. I’m going to post this on my dating profile. I’ve got a picture in front of a car I don’t own, that one picture I took four years ago where I look thin and midly attractive and this will be the third picture. They all represent an over all theme of “I’m successful, attractive and I have an adorable animal that DID YOU JUST SH*T ON THE COUCH!

    [hour later]

    Come out from the dryer. I’m sorry. I went nuts. I don’t really think you have smelly balls. I swear. I just need to take this picture. I’ve got to be at Staples for my shift in twenty minutes and I wanted to…did you crap in the dryer?

    Ok, that’s kind of cute.


    [One month later]

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