Charlie Sheen Died

 
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    April 1, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Actor-turned-internet celebrity Charlie Sheen was found dead this morning in his Calabasas home. Early reports indicate that no drugs or alcohol were found in Sheen’s blood or in his possession. His body was discovered by three “houseguests”, and there is no evidence of foul play. Preliminary investigations suggest that Sheen died as a result of choking on a stale marshmallow peep during a late-night kitchen rampage. There were no witnesses to confirm the cause of death, although 7 adult stars who were enjoying a late night scissoring party on the far side of Sheen’s estate reported that they became suspicious when Sheen was late to post his usual “3am Crazy Internet Rant” video. Fortunately, none of the pornstars were harmed, and they were all able to reach full climax during the scissoring party, shortly before discovering Sheen’s body wrapped in a shower curtain and surrounded by the characteristic brightly-colored sugar dust that led to his demise. Upon hearing the news, fellow Hollywood Crazy Man Gary Busey released a statement: “Peeps?! God dammit. That’s a great idea. I wish I’d thought of that.” Sheen, a confirmed Warlock, was estimated to be approximately 385 years old.

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