This is What Real Aliens Look Like

    March 7, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Dr. Richard Hoover, an Astrobiologist at NASA, has apparently discovered real-life aliens. According to his report published last Friday in the Journal of Cosmology (which is a legitimate astrobiology publication, rather than the geocities conspiracy theory page that it appears to be), Dr. Hoover has discovered fossilized bacteria in a rare class of meteorite called CI1 carbonaceous chondrites. There are only nine of these meteorites on planet earth, so it’s not like every rock that comes crashing through our atmosphere is teeming with little space bugs. Still, the findings could prove to be and integral step in Man’s quest to answer Special Agent Fox Mulder’s age-old question:

    According to Dr. Hoover we’re not, at least in the same sense that, when you go to bed alone tonight, you’ll still be completely covered in thousands upon thousands of tiny microscopic bugs that are eating everything around you, then pooping on you, then eating that poop. Hooray for science! Here’s what Dr. Hoover had to say about his seemingly important discovery:

    via FoxNews: “I interpret it as indicating that life is more broadly distributed than restricted strictly to the planet earth,…The exciting thing is that they are in many cases recognizable and can be associated very closely with the generic species here on earth…”

    That doesn’t sound so bad, right? It’s actually kind of exciting! The universe could be teeming with life! Sure, we’ve only found earth-like bacteria in ancient space rocks so far, but who knows what else is out there? If some alien culture found a chunk of earth that’s been floating in space for millions of years, what do you think they would find in there? A hipster with an ipod?

    No. They’d probably find exactly what we found: dead bugs. Dr. Hoover has invited other astrobiologists to analyze samples and confirm or refute his findings, so we can’t draw any solid conclusions yet. Just in case you’re feeling too over-excited about this amazing piece of space news, take this other Dr. Hoover quote into consideration:

    “…There are some [bacteria fossils] that are just very strange and don’t look like anything that I’ve been able to identify, and I’ve shown them to many other experts that have also come up stump.”

    So some of this alien bacteria is completely, well, alien. If that image at the top is anything to judge by, then I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

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