Much Needed New Features For Twitter

    November 18, 2010 at 6:00 am

    So the new Twitter has been around for a couple of months now.  Does everyone like it?  We here are Ego are very curious about this because we really care.  Yes, we do!  Kidding. Jabbing at the blubber that is the Fail Whale in an attempt at humor.  How do we know this Twitter is the right Twitter?

    Speculation used to be that this new Twitter 3.0-ish would be bigger, better, embeddable and will make you tweet in your pants it’s so awesome. Eh. We’re really not so sure this is the case yet.

    There are just a few new functions that aren’t enabled that we’d like to see.  You know,  simple little upgrades that will make tweeting a little easier for everyone.

    The “Are You Sure?” Function

    The annoying pop-up screen in most programs that asks if you’re “positive” you want to do something has probably saved our butts on more occasions than we’d care to admit. Accidental deletions and sketchy downloads prevented from just double checking you’re really super, super sure you want to commit. This would be helpful on Twitter. Think of it as a free sounding board when you want to say something but aren’t quite sure if you’ll regret it later. Are you sure you want to call your boss a homo? Are you sure you want to respond to another user with the word “twat rocket”? Are you sure you want to retweet the “20 Best Places To Pound Your Pud” with so many important connections following your stream?

    Sobriety Check After Midnight

    Gmail has the drunk option. It makes it harder for people to send email after a certain hour of the day; normally when their wasted and sending emails they’ll likely regret come the dawn’s early light. Twitter needs a sobriety check. Not just for regrettable tweets but for those people that have been able to bring their annoying drunk habits into social media. We all don’t care how bad you want a burrito right now or that your ex was at the same bar, we’re trying to live tweet a rerun of Dr. Who.

    Make Every Celeb Follow At Least 500 Real People

    Celebs just don’t get social media. They’ve turned into just another avenue to peddle their pointless projects and we all follow along like Pavlov’s dog chasing the doorbell repair man. There is nothing more annoying than the fact that celebs can have hundreds of thousands, even millions, of followers and all they have to do is follow other celebs. Possibly even follow no one at all. Turdballs to that ruckus. Every account in the New Twitter should allow a minimum of 500 followings per every 10K followers and so on up the line. It won’t hurt the famous to mingle with us common folk. Actually it will, but still, if you can’t take the heat get out of the Fail Whale’s butt. He just had burritos.

    Actually Stop Spammers

    Old Twitter did a decent job of getting rid of most of the spammers. We miss you Britney Suck Schlong Bot! A couple accounts slip through the security cracks like those people with 10K followers who’ve never uttered a tweet or accounts with a screen name like APLKJEHD. Personal faves are the accounts signed up as “Kerry” for example and their screen name is “Jennifer”. The New Twitter needs to get tougher on spammers. Just ban the entire IP address. Gone! It will make the overall experience of Twitter better and eliminate the spam-bots that show up when you tweet certain buzzwords. Britney! You’re back! My you’ve learned to open so much wider since our last encounter.

    Penalize People That Carry On Conversations

    Happens every day; you say something. Someone responds. You say something back, thinking the conversation is over. They reply. Now it’s awkward. Actually now it’s over. The New Twitter should incorporate the “no more than two replies to one user in an hour”. Problem solved. Also cuts down on those people who talk to one another all day and you happen to follow both and you’ve been sucked into the conversation about their cat or the happenings on Glee…wait, what happened to the cat? Now I’ve got to scroll back.

    You Can Direct Message Anyone You Want (Until They Block You)

    This is the wonderful thing about email: porn forwards. Also, the fact you can email anyone you want, all you need is their email address. Old Twitter only lets users direct message people that follow but where the hell is the tomfoolery in that logic? Are we protecting the precious celebs again? They can’t take a little DM abuse? They get fan mail don’t they? Someone has to open it and read it. Damn, what a terrible job. New Twitter should allow anyone to direct message any other user. Then a user can block as they see fit. Should this happen, I’d like to propose a game called “How many do you think..” where you can bet on the number of DMs it takes for certain people to block and by certain people I mean hot, dumb celeb chicks. Won’t name names. Hints. Sritney Bpears. Paty Kerry. Kim Kardashian. Yeah, that one didn’t work so well.

    Automatically Bring Back John Mayer

    Last week, John Mayer quit Twitter. Hell no Mayer. You left 3 million followers hanging. You get the hell back here. On New Twitter, John Mayer has an account, whether he likes it or not. He will tweet whether he likes it or not. He will sing “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” to me while I take a bubble bath whether he likes it or not. If he doesn’t like it, someone will tweet from his account for him until he takes back control. Shhhh sing softer John. It’s been a long day. I want to hear “Gravity” and why don’t you slip off… Britney Suck Schlong Bot what the hell are you doing here!?! He means nothing I swear!!!



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