My Celebrity “To Do” List is Getting Smaller

    October 25, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Mrs. Cleaver

    (Reading. Reading.) Oh no. No. NO! NO! Not Mrs. Cleaver. Damn-it! I thought I had time. I thought she had a couple years left in the tank. Crap.

    (Grabs list from desk draw. Crosses off name near top) Well, that leaves only Mrs. Arnold from Wonder Years, Mrs. Seaver from Growing Pains and the maid from Two and a Half Men. This sitcom woman to-do list is getting smaller but only because of age. That’s the second chick I’ve lost this year to the grim reaper. The first being Rue McClanahan. I was so close on that one. If only that nurse didn’t walk in.

    (Searches the internet for information on remaining conquests) If only this were easier, like if I knew where Norma Arnold hung out. It would take less time. The stakeouts are what take forever. How the hell am I supposed to know where to find Katherine Helmond, Mona from TV’s Who’s The Boss, during the regular week. I’m not a mind-reader/stalker here. I’m just a perverted guy with a list of fictional characters I’d like to fornicate with before it’s too late.

    (Pops another pill — thinks quietly) Wilona? Wiloma? I could never tell what the hell they were saying. It might be on IMDB. I’m not crazy about adding names to the list but it’s the only thing I can think of to make this a better selling book. I can’t go in their with just seven names. Sure, it’s impressive for the average guy, but this is my life’s work. What kind of life is it if I’ve only doggied Debra from Everyone Loves Raymond and had crazy hate sex with Grandma Winslow from Family Matters.

    (Continues to read entertainment section) Oh, fate, you crazy fiend! “Meet all your favorite stars from the past this weekend including Ms. Charlotte Rae, Edna Garrett from TV’s The Facts Of Life.”

    Well, you take the good, you take the bad. It will make for a hell of a query letter.

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